*This story appeared in the 2011 Joke Issue.
Penn basketball coaches may want to re-run their background check on recently committed Irish recruit Keelan Cairns.
Saturday, the Irish Police Force, led by crack detective Rob Belcore, raided Cairns’ Belfast home to discover nearly a thousand cardboard boxes filled with “Lucky Charms,” an illicit Irish street drug.
An enraged Cairns was forcibly carted from the premises, reportedly shrieking, “They’re always after me Lucky Charms!”
But the drug ring didn’t end at Cairns. Detectives’ repeated interrogation of the Irishman led them to a crackhouse titled “Barking Abbey,” a subgroup of the underground United Kingdom supplier, General Mills.
Sources, who wished to remain anonymous due to the implications of Lucky Charms consumption, claimed Cairns wooed in customers with the tagline, “They’re magically delicious!”
Many experts are questioning how Cairns’ double life managed to slip through the cracks (pun intended) of the Penn coaching staff, but all agreed that Belcore was the right man for the job.
“I have tremendous respect for Rob’s policing skills,” coach Jerome Allen said, “as long as he doesn’t have to shoot.”
As for the contents of Cairns’ Charms? As always, Belcore — who was recruited by the IPF after superb work as a stringent and meticulous ID checker at The Blarney Stone — had the answers.
“We found hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons,” he said, unaware of his sudden burst of rhyming skills. “Pots of golden rainbows, and his red balloons.”
Belcore explained that if Cairns was trying to keep his operation covert, he didn’t do a good job of it.
“That’s one big-ass leprechaun,” Belcore said of the 6-foot-10 Cairns. “I can smell a lie from a mile away, especially if you’re trying to lie about height or age. Or eye color. That’s not gettin’ past me. Never.”
“It’s Lucky Charms,” senior Jack Eggleston added. “There’s marshmallows in the cereal. It’s Lucky Charms. They’re magically delicious. It’s Lucky Charms. There’s a count in the corner of the gym of how many grams of sugar is in that shit.”
Fellow Barking Abbey ring leader Simeon “Holy” Esprit could not be reached for comment.
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