*This story appeared in the 2011 Joke Issue.
With not a single eyeball glued to the Penn Sports Network, Andreas Schreiber let out a long exhale before announcing his ‘Decision’ in front of the Stockholm Boys & Girls Club.
“In this fall — man, this is very tough,” the center began. “In this fall, I’m going to take my talents to Southwest Airlines and join the flight attendant staff.”
The announcement was met with utter apathy, as no local bars even subscribe to the Penn Sports Network.
Within Penn Athletics circles, however, Schreiber’s classless show of arrogance rubbed many the wrong way.
“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT I WILL REGISTER MORE FREQUENT-FLIER MILES THAN THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING,’” Athletic Director Steve Bilsky wrote in an open letter.
Schreiber’s ‘Decision’ followed a week-long free agency courtship that included presentations from a Helsingborg high school junior varsity team, the Malaco Swedish Fish factory, the Cleveland Cavaliers and PetSmart.
The reaction in Helsingborg was even more spiteful.
“Our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, should no longer be a Swedish citizen,” Helsingborg mayor Bjorn Borg wrote in yet another open letter.
Schreiber’s response during his hand-picked interview with Noah Rosenstein?
“I mean, those 100-plus fans that came out every night we played, they seen me grow from an 18-year-old kid to a 25-year-old kid,” he said.
The Swede joins former teammates Sean Mullan and Zack ‘Air’ Gordon in a star-studded Southwest plane that has already been dubbed, ‘The Swede-les.’
Rumors are swirling that PetSmart plans to file tampering charges against the Big Three, accusing them of hatching the idea to join forces during their many years on the Penn bench.
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