*This story appeared in the 2010 Joke Issue.
After suffering a record-breaking number of losses this season, the Penn women’s basketball team now has its sights set on national prestige of a different kind.
At last week’s Pride Games, the 2-26 Quakers emerged victorious in a contentious Jimmy John’s sub eating contest, revealing a set of talents which may bring them far more renown on campus.
“I’ve never seen anybody take down six inches so easily,” said junior men’s basketball player Tyler Bernardini. “Two, three, sure — but to see those girls devour all of that meat made me realize they had something special.”
As a result, the team has decided to trade in the empty Palestra for the raucous, crowded atmosphere of Wing Bowl 19.
“It was all about how they could most please the fans, in the end,” head coach Mike McLaughlin said.
Though McLaughlin believes his team has the talent required to succeed in the competitive eating world, he knows that the Quakers have a rocky road ahead.
“As coaches, I think we need to teach our girls some of the same techniques,” he explained. “We need to keep them from being too sloppy, help them make the most of their possessions … The skills required are very similar to the ones they’ve been struggling with on the court.”
Sophomore Jess Knapp agreed with her coaches’ take.
“I can’t even imagine what I’ll do to keep the wing sauce from getting everywhere,” she said. “My shirt was stained enough from all that mayo dripping out of the sandwich.”
Still, Knapp remains hopeful that the team’s new venture will be met with success.
“I think we’ll surprise people. All the girls have a natural ability for this that people might not expect,” she said.
Bernardini agreed.
“When it comes to shoving stuff in their mouth, those girls will be unbeatable.”
