*This article appeared in the 2009 joke issue.
Penn students will no longer have to venture past DRL to get their weekly dose of flavored condoms and furry handcuffs.
Condom Kingdom has reached a business climax with the opening of a new branch in the retail belt under the Radian, joining the recently opened CVS, Jimmy John’s and Chipotle.
Graduate and Professional Student Assembly chairman and School of Medicine Ph.D. student Andrew Rennekamp said he thinks that this store would be very beneficial.
“With a Condom Kingdom right on campus, students will not be taking all the cheap condoms that the University provides,” he said. “In other words, more condoms for me.”
Although Condom Kingdom is slated to open at the beginning of next year, insider sources say that it may “come earlier.”
This Condom Kingdom will be designed similarly to the one on South Street, with purple and yellow decor.
However, on the top of Penn’s Condom Kingdom, there will be a massive Benjamin Franklin statue. He will don a golden crown, and a button will be missing – on his pants.
As part of its official opening, Condom Kingdom will be handing out free newly created sustainable condoms.
“The environment is a crucial issue right now,” Condom Kingdom spokeswoman Amy Humpman said. “So our scientists have utilized LEED-certified material to make these condoms reusable up to six times.”
Humpman added that she expects lines to penetrate 42nd Street.
“This event is going to be epic,” she said. “I know that all Quakers have a kinky side to them.”
Along with Condom Kingdom’s signature array of raunchy toys and unique condoms, Penn’s Condom Kingdom will feature a Benjamin Franklin Pleasure Toy made by the Lightning O Group, according to Humpman.
“We wanted a store that would market to the Penn Community,” she added.
This waterproof dildo stands at seven and a half inches in length and two inches in diameter in the shape of Benjamin Franklin’s torso – glasses and buttons included.
Customers can purchase Ben in the colors red or blue for $30.69.
“Ben guarantees an electric orgasm,” Humpman said. “It’s not only for the kinky, but for the religious too.”
The slogan for the toy mirrors Franklin’s famous maxim: God helps those who help themselves.
Engineering senior Carly Lux said she would buy the device because of her Ben fetish.
She added that she is infatuated with the Button, all the statues on campus and kites.
“I can’t wait for the Ben dildo,” she said. “And it would be nice to finally have an intelligent guy inside me.”
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