I hope my first moments as a college senior are covered in whipped cream.
And ketchup. And eggs. And flour.
I'll pass on the urine bags and whole fish, but I'll say it outright: I want to get covered in shit on Hey Day.
For the past two years, I've enjoyed the tradition from a safe distance. I've watched hundreds of juniors march around campus coated in the full contents of FroGro. I've walked on a Locust Walk covered in several inches of ketchup/flour/egg goop. I've dodged hugs from messy friends - and a couple people so drunk they thought I was their friend.
How could I possibly want to endure that?
I don't understand this inexplicable desire of mine to spend an afternoon covered in food products. I don't have any kind of high-brow argument in favor of it - it's not really about tradition or the legacy of Penn students before me. It's not about pissing off administrators or making a political statement. It's really just about ketchup.
I've considered a few possible explanations.
1. I want to get hazed.
Hazing is defined by the ultimate authority, Wikipedia, as a "ritualistic test, which may constitute harassment, abuse or humiliation" in order to achieve "initiation into a social group."
Some people see hazing as making them part of an elite group. They endure abusive behavior to gain acceptance from the abusers. So if I spend an afternoon wearing whipped cream, I'll finally prove myself as a member of that oh-so-exclusive secret society called. the senior class?
Maybe it's because I never rushed a sorority, maybe I'm just a Stockholm Syndrome victim waiting to happen, but this so-called "hazing" doesn't seem like such a big deal to me. It's a messy rite of passage.
2. Eggs are great for your skin.
According to Toni from a money-saving Web site called TheFrugalLife.com, you only need a few eggs a week for perfect skin.
"Use the white of one egg slightly beaten," she writes. "Put the egg white all over your face and throat. Leave it on for 20-30 minutes until it feels tight and is dry. Rinse off with warm then cold water. Your face will feel as smooth as a baby's behind!"
Somehow, I don't think that's it.
3. I want to be a part of a Penn tradition that has been around for decades.
I want to feel the pride of being associated with generations of students at the oldest American university; I want to be able to tell my kids about this day when they come on their Penn tour - oh, wait.
Administrators have told us over and over that the throwing is a very recent addition to Hey Day, and that we're perverting the original custom. Food really has nothing to do with Benjamin Franklin's vision for Penn.
So I did some real research about Hey Day, and I started feeling a little guilty. I talked to Puneet Singh, the president of my class (and all-around great guy), who has been working really hard to make sure that we get a Hey Day at all.
He said his primary concern was the safety of the junior class - and representing our needs to administrators threatening to cancel the event altogether. All in all, our class board has done a great job fighting for the Class of 2008.
Singh said that he couldn't give me any details (isn't that what all politicians say?) but that he knew that there were several serious injuries last year. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me whether they were caused by excessive drinking or by the Class of 2006's overzealous throwing.
"What I can say is that kids were hospitalized," Singh said. "And it wasn't just, 'Oh I have a scratch, I need a band aid.'"
Well now I feel like a jerk.
But I realized that of course I don't want to participate in any of the violent stuff Singh was talking - or not talking - about. I don't want eggs chucked at me like major league pitches; I don't want any meat products. I certainly don't want any of my classmates to get hurt, from food throwing or excessive alcohol consumption.
I just want some good, dirty fun. And I think this is something that I'll get on April 20, if we all relax a little bit.
I have faith that seniors will be responsible in selecting their food products of choice (please, no pee!). The senior class board is planning to send out a list of "approved" items for throwing, and I really believe the class of 2007 will pick wisely.
I have faith I'll get to march around campus with my hat and cane, I'll get covered in (safe) food products, and I'll be proclaimed a senior by Amy Gutmann.
And if all goes well, I'll get to help my sophomore friends experience the same thing next year.
Mara Gordon is a College junior from Washington, D.C. Her e-mail address is gordon@dailypennsylvanian.com. Flash Gordon appears on Thursdays.
