Say the words "Big Red" to yourself - what comes to mind? A fire truck? Your Asian study partner's face after one drink? A cinnamon-flavored gum? Those giant cylinders outside the high rises, perhaps?
What doesn't come to mind is a college's mascot.
And yet, this is exactly what our friends from Ithaca, N.Y., have chosen to hitch their athletics wagons to.
Maybe Cornell made the godawful mistake of taking its cues from a certain other sports powerhouse in the middle of nowhere. The Big Green sure worked out well for the Dartmouth.
Infuriated at their lack of originality, Cornell instead tried to jazz up their image by sticking a big bear onto their crest. More points for creativity! But, really, can you blame them?
Suicide rates and ingenuity don't exactly complement each other, especially when students only have the thriving metropolis of Ithaca to amuse themselves.
But still, we thought, someone must have a high enough opinion of the Big Red to give an objective opinion about this weekend's game.
Red Auerbach was the obvious choice.
Unfortunately, we knew - without consulting Wikipedia, smartasses - that the former Celtics coach recently passed on.
No matter. His almost-namesake, Richie Auerbach of Philadelphia, was more than happy to point out the obvious after his wife was kind enough to wake him up at 8:30 last night.
Even a groggy Mr. Auerbach knew his way around the Ivy League.
"Penn," he predicted by proxy. "21-10."
It may not be easy being Green, but it's even worse to be Red.
Penn 1,460,000, Cornell 29,000
