Let me be the first to tell you. I have one foot out the door. Seventeen years at this half-assed non-scholarship school have driven me nuts, and this offer from Temple is looking like just the excuse I need to get out of here.
But I know how much you all want me here.
I take that back. I know how much you need me here.
If I go, you've got a bunch of nobodies in line to replace me.
O'Hanlon is half the Fran that I am, Donahue has never beaten me, and nobody else would ever want to come here.
So, Mr. Bilsky, my office lights are turned off, my bags are packed, and I have the SEPTA token (actually two one-dollar bills) in my hand to head up to North Broad Street and never look back.
You have one chance to win me back, and here are seven ways to start.
1. Benches with actual chairs
Seriously. We sit on the bleachers during home games. This is a total joke.
Even though I think most of my players ought to be watching the game from the bleachers, I deserve better.
Is a chair too much to ask for? My back isn't what it used to be.
2. Stop scheduling Temple
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Or don't play 'em.
3. Join the Big East
With Arkansas, New Mexico, Gonzaga, Montana, Northwestern, Northwestern State and Hawaii joining the Big East next year, they'll need a 24th team.
And hey, we're better than Rutgers.
4. Three words: Fran Dunphy Court
Coach K gets one. Lute gets one. Even Jimmy B gets one.
Heck, even that maniac Chaney has his name on the court up at Liacouras. And what have these guys done?
I guarantee you that if Coach K had to play Dartmouth twice a year and I got those ACC cupcakes, I'd be the one in the Hall of Fame. And he's a whiny bitch.
5. Suit stipend
I want double what Jay Wright gets up at Villanova to buy his suits.
His A.D. gives him a quarter million? I want 500 large.
I want to our games on ESPN to use the "Suit Cam."
6. No Carolina. Yes Michigan
I saw UNC on the schedule for the next three years and was not too thrilled.
I have a better idea -- schedule Michigan. Remember back in 1994 when I was a young man with a young mustache and a certain Mr. Vitale suffered the 104th massive stroke of his career as the Quakes knocked off the Wolverines?
I'll put it to you this way, Mr. Bilsky: Would you like to go to the Confederacy and watch us get beaten by 50? Or would you rather go to the land of NCAA violations, have all the Vernors and Faygo you can drink and watch us only lose by 40?
7. Open that damn KFC already
That Wendy's on Temple's campus is smelling really good right now.
You think it's easy eating at Famiglia's and Dunkin' Donuts every day?
I need my two-piece meal with mashed potatoes.
Gravy on the side.
Franuel "Fran" Dunphy is about to become the head men's basketball coach at Temple University unless the administration starts making Penn a real program. He can be reached by e-mail at notatraitor@ijustwanttourneywins.com
