Some things in life you can count on.
Water is always going to be wet. Fire is always going to be hot. Zebras are always going to be awesome.
And the Columbia Lions are always going to be losers.
Maxims like these are the foundations of our lives. Deviation from such tried-and-true facts would be an existential nightmare.
If Columbia were to have a successful season in any sport ever, for instance, the world as we know it would fall apart at our feet. Yes, Columbia's losing ways have become an integral part of the fabric of our fragile cosmos.
So integral, in fact, that Columbia officials will be hosting a symposium today on the hapless Lions' famous "Culture of Losing."
In order to arm ourselves with expert information for today's pre-game lose-a-thon, we tried to track down America's epicenter of losing. Such a place would have to be filled to the brim with losing, and ideally contain lots of incidental references to Columbia's football team.
The hunt was difficult, but we knew we were getting close when we came upon Gary Hall, the mayor of Columbia Falls (get it?), Mont. Unfortunately, his honor was "taking a doze on the couch," according to his wife Jayne. I guess Columbia falls so often it can get pretty boring after a while.
Several hundred miles away, though, we found what we were looking for. Baker, Mont. -- population 1,695 and named after the 'lumb's hallowed football stadium -- is home to 15 percent of all Americans with the last name Losing. Talk about a culture of Losing.
Larry Losing, an illustrious citizen of the town that winning forgot, isn't even sure what football is. Still, he had a prediction: "13-27 Lions." In Baker, Mont., apparently you call the loser.
As for us, we'll take the winner at Baker Field.
Penn 62.5, Larry Losing's Lions 21.5
