There are few awards that senior wrestler Matt Feast does not have on his mantel. He has earned All-American honors twice, and was a national champion in high school.
But upon graduation, Feast will seek the ultimate prize -- the Intercontinental Belt.
The Cressona, Pa., native will enter the WWE this summer, fulfilling a lifelong dream to become a hero for teenaged losers around the nation.
"To be honest, when I first got into wrestling in high school, I thought it was going to be about figure-four leg locks and Boston crabs," Feast said. "It was kind of embarrassing.
"I came out wearing a speedo and a cape. Then I beat my opponent over the head with a folding chair. I challenged him to a rematch in a steel cage."
But instead of earning a spot in the Royal Rumble, this earned Feast a year-long suspension and a lawsuit.
He soon learned that real wrestling was a lot more boring and confusing than professional wrestling.
"Essentially, real wrestling is nothing more than a couple of sweaty guys grabbing each other in bizarre places," Feast noted.
As a tribute to his school, Feast intends to call his character "The Whartonite."
"Basically I am going to dress up like a huge, pretentious asshole," Feast said. "I will have no social life."
He intends to call his finishing move "The Brown Nose," where he will stick his nose deep into the rectum of his opponent. Feast noted that he learned the move from his fellow Wharton seniors during the on-campus recruiting process.
This will not be the first time an Ivy League graduate has made the transition into professional wrestling. Harvard alumnus Chris Nowinski made his WWE debut in 2001.
Nowinski, who wrestled under the name "Chris Harvard," says he feels that Feast has the potential to be a huge star at the next level.
"Just look at his resume," Nowinski said. "This kid was in the National Honor Society, History Honor Society and Math Honor Society in high school. With extracurriculars like that, he's going to be a huge success."
Ivy League wrestling analyst and Daily Pornsylvanian sports editor Jeff Greenwald, disagrees with Nowinski. Greenwald noted that Feast has "failed to do the spectacular" in the past and will most likely "fail to do the spectacular" in the future.
Greenwald then proceeded to rattle off factual inaccuracies. For example, he noted that the world was flat and that he invented the question mark. This prompted a remarkable 26 posts on dailypornsylvanian.com from Penn wrestlers and their girlfriends.
Ilario Huober did not contribute to this report because he did not show up to write.
