After a stunning announcement yesterday, the University of Pennsylvania will soon lose one of its most treasured and historic institutions.
That is because Fran Dunphy, the coach of the men's basketball team, has announced he will shave his mustache.
Dunphy made the announcement at a press conference at the Palestra. Soon afterward, members of the team and the media voiced their surprise and horror at the announcement.
"The world as we know it will never be the same," junior swingman Friedrich Ebede said. "Coach Dunphy without his mustache is like Allen Iverson without his cornrows -- it's just wrong."
Philadelphia Inquirer columnist Stephen A. Smith was outraged with the decision.
"Dunphy's decision is preposterous and offensive!" the boisterous Smith announced. "I vow never to come to the Palestra again, and I may leave the city of Philadelphia."
In response to Smith's promise to leave the City of Brotherly Love, many of the journalists and players in attendance stood up and applauded.
While some were clearly displeased with the decision, others seemed not to notice or care.
"What happened to whose mustache?" a confused Jan Fikiel asked. "I didn't realize Coach Dunphy had a schnurrbart in the first place, and this news really overshadows my decision to forgo a basketball career to become a professional yodeler."
Despite pleas from President George W. Bush, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski and actor George Clooney to reconsider his decision, Dunphy said he would go ahead with shaving "The Stache."
"The decision is out of my hands," Dunphy said. "I lost a bet to Tim Begley -- who is an excellent basketball player --and I will stick to my word."
"I had a lot of respect for the mustache, and it's a very good facial hair program," Dunphy added. "However, when you're talking about a man as good as Tim, and not just a good basketball player, but really a good human being, you just cannot back down from that."
When asked about the nature of the bet, Begley was coy, saying only, "the idea was hatched after a long night at MarBar."
Further investigation proved to reveal the terms of the wager. A member of the team, who holds the single-season Ivy League steals record, wishing to be referred to only as E.B., disclosed the murky details.
"Tim bet Coach that he could keep his ridiculous haircut and hook up with more girls than the entire Princeton basketball squad," the spy said. "He said that if he won, coach had to shave 'The Tickler' -- that's what we all call it. If Tim lost, then he'd have to be Conor Tolan's wingman at Smokes' for at least two weeks."
When reports surfaced that Judson Wallace and Will Venable were more than just "roommates," Begley's victory was guaranteed.
Dunphy took the loss in stride and plans to sell some of "The Tickler" on E-bay to Quakers fans and adoring women nationwide.
When asked what the biggest difference will be without his famous mustache, Dunphy lamented, "My nose will be cold -- and lonely."
