Following proposals by other minority groups on campus for a cultural analysis requirement, the Jewish Movement for Change has presented a proposal recommending the establishment of a Jewish-American Prerequisite for all Penn students.
Also known as the J-AP, this requirement would ensure that incoming freshmen are adequately familiar with the culture of the Jewish-American community in an attempt to eliminate much of the culture shock many students experience upon arriving in West Philadelphia.
Students from the New York/tri-state area, Boca Raton, Fla., and those from Los Angeles who attended the Harvard-Westlake School are exempted from the J-AP under this proposal due to their assumed familiarity with American Jewry and its unique cultural peculiarities.
Students who can prove their Judaism through matrilineal descent, three or more pairs of Juicy sweatsuits, or circumcision by a mohel are also exempted from the proposed program.
"We just want everyone to feel comfortable entering an environment where Jews form the largest portion of the population," JMC President Herschel Goldenstein-Cohen said. "Penn is a special place, but we understand how it can be intimidating to those unfamiliar with American Jews."
Students who do not fulfill the requirement before entering Penn would have a number of options once they arrive on campus.
Classes included in the JMC's proposal include such popular offerings as "The Third Reich," as well as lesser-known courses such as "Intro to the Bible," also known to many Penn students as "Find a Husband Your Mother Would Approve Of 101."
The Sigma Delta Tau sorority, Sigma Alpha Mu fraternity and "Zeta Beta Wow" Facebook group have all endorsed the proposal.
Responding to a request for comment while stuck in traffic near the Short Hills Mall in New Jersey, former Zeta Beta Tau Vice President for Jewish-Gentile Relations Jacob Schwartzenblum wrote that, "For too long Jews have been an oppressed majority here at Penn. Hahaha, just joking.
"Seriously though, to be Jewish means more than having a near-obsession with Japanese hair-straightening. Judaism is, like, a beautiful thing, and everyone at Penn should understand that."
Members of Campus Crusade for Christ, Newman Center, and the Muslim Students Association could not be reached for comment, although representatives of the Elders of Zion were planning on sending a crack team of Israeli military paratroopers to guard the Hillel Building on 39th Street as soon as possible. They cited a need to protect the "innate cultural differences" between Jews and other, less-circumcised ethnicities.
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