Have you ever: 1) dated someone simply to gain leverage in your current relationship or 2) told your date that "it wasn't a date" even though God himself would concur that it was or 3) lied to your date simply so that you could pursue other individuals that evening?
If you have, you're not alone.
Last week, I conducted a survey of 163 Penn students in which I asked participants to comment on how often they engaged in these three deceptive dating practices. Contrary to my expectations, in all except the first category, there were few significant statistical differences between male and female responses. Rather, the more interesting finding -- one that merits our attention and action -- is how widespread such deception has become among students. If anything, the results that follow tell us that, rather than complaining about how bad the dating scene is at Penn, we should roll up our sleeves and fight deception in dating.
That's right. I'm talking about a grass-roots movement for straightforwardness.
Take, for instance, dating for leverage. My friend Romeo is a generic example. Romeo went out on four dates with a girl he liked, only to be greeted on the fifth with the words, "meet my boyfriend!" Ouch. Yes -- Juliet was dating him only to make her boyfriend jealous and get him to commit to a relationship. Once he did, game over.
Interestingly, this was the only survey category in which there was a significant difference between male and female responses: Only 9.6 percent of the menfolk admitted to having dated for leverage, as opposed to 23 percent of the womenfolk.
Ladies, I need your help. If one of your friends confides to you that she is dating for leverage, put an end to it. Talk to her first. If that doesn't work, then threaten to start dating her boyfriend since she's obviously moved on. If all else fails, just tell the guy; leave a candid secret message (the old brick through the window with a note tied to it usually works well) if you want to avoid your friend's wrath.
However, when it comes to claiming that a date really wasn't a date, Penn guys and girls are about equally culpable: 24.7 percent of the bees admitted to having done so, versus 27.3 percent of the birds. That's a statistical dead heat.
But why whould you say that it wasn't a date? For both men and women, the top reason was "I didn't like him/her anymore," (70 and 91.3 percent, respectively) followed by "the first date went badly" (55 and 30.4 percent) and "I realized that he/she was ugly" (25 and 17.4 percent).
None of these are good reasons, though. Even if you no longer like the person after the first date or if it didn't go well, it still was a date. By claiming that it wasn't a date, all you're doing is ruining the other person's mojo -- making him/her feel inferior and perhaps even bitter. So why not say, "yeah, it was a date, but I no longer like you so we shouldn't date any longer?" And can't you rate someone's appearance before going on a date?
Luckily, there is a way to make it more difficult for the other person to say afterward that it was not a date and still save face. Only 50 percent of the guys and 53.4 percent of the girls thought going to a concert was a date, but when dinner was added, the number jumped to 94 percent for both groups. Hence, if you have tickets to the Philly Orchestra and you're thinking of inviting that special someone, adding a dinner component may help cement the "date" status.
Another sure bet is going to a fancy restaurant, since 97.2 percent of the signiors and 96.6 percent of the signioritas agreed that a "fancy dinner" constitutes a date. So if he or she gives you the old "it wasn't a date," but you both agree that you went someplace fancy, just say "survey says you're wrong!"
The most alarming finding of all pertained to the prevalence of lying to get out of a date. Roughly 60 percent of both groups admitted to lying -- a shocking number, and a clear red flag that lying to get out of a date has become the norm rather than the exception.
We must fight that trend. Next time someone cancels on you last-minute, interrogate him/her and try to expose the lie: "you're sick?! Then can I come over and bring you some warm chicken soup? No? Why not? Are you lying to me?" Maybe that will help deter him/her from doing it again.
So help do your part to fight deception in dating. Don't fool others, and don't allow yourself to be fooled. I firmly believe that, when dating, one ought to be straightforward with the person one dates. Otherwise, you might as well not date at all. But then take a look in the mirror before you complain about the dating scene at Penn.
Cezary Podkul is a junior management and philosophy major in Wharton and the College from Chicago, Ill. Cezary Salad appears on Mondays.
