Every so often, an icon pops up in the corner of my computer screen telling me it's time to update some random Microsoft program I never use. Usually, I ignore it and it goes away. Yet, recently, there was one particularly tricky update that wouldn't leave me alone. Such is the menace known as Service Pack 2. After a few weeks of avoidance, I relented and installed the update.
Big mistake.
While I was waiting for the new, magical program to revolutionize my computer, Windows crashed. When I started my computer, all it would do was take me to a black screen with an error message. I then consulted my roommate, who's a whiz with computers. In between his bitchings at Microsoft and suggestions that I scrap Windows and go with Linux, he gave me an operating system to run off a CD. A temporary, but not ideal fix.
I called Microsoft for help. After waiting on hold for 30 minutes, I was patched through to a tech person. Let's call him Dave. I told Dave the problem and he immediately asked if I had spyware on my computer. Spyware is a term for programs that surreptitiously monitor your computer usage habits and report back to some company.
I told him it was possible that spyware camped out on my computer. He replied that you're not supposed to have any spyware when running Service Pack 2, because it can crash the system. I felt like Adam Sandler. I just wanted to scream, "Thanks. That information could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!"
Over the course of the next few hours, Dave helped me uninstall Service Pack 2. During this time, we bonded. He told me how he met his wife online while he was studying in Colorado. They talked via AIM and the phone for three weeks. After this lengthy courtship, they got engaged. Then one day, Dave's fiancee drove from Utah to Colorado to pick him up to get married. This was the first time they had met face-to-face. Needless to say, they've been married for three years. But he's white and she's Filipino so living as an interracial couple in Utah can be trying at times. Thankfully, much of her family lives there.
I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.
Once SP2 was gone, I thought the problem would be fixed. Au contraire. In Microsoft's world, things are not as simple as uninstalling a bad program. The nefarious spyware had mixed with Service Pack 2 to form some ungodly toxin which made Windows unusable. Alas, Dave tells me not worry. Just reinstall Windows, and everything will be fixed.
So naturally, while installing Windows, my computer locks up ... again.
I call Microsoft ... again. After recounting my misadventures with Dave (I left out the part about his wife), I'm redirected to another tech guy, Bob. Bob is helping me from India. When I explain to him my problem, he of course tells me that Dave never should have had me reinstall Windows.
Bob decides that my computer is too sick to function and the only choice is to reformat my hard drive (i.e. erase everything). While there's nothing irreplaceable on my hard drive, I was not thrilled with the prospect of deleting all my files. Do you know how long it took to download all those Family Guy episodes? I tell him that I'll back up my "essential" files and call back.
I called the next day and was put on hold for another hour. I tried hanging up, and then claimed I got disconnected hoping to get on top of the queue. No luck. Finally, I was connected to Jim (also in India). He took me through the reformatting process. This took close to an hour, so Jim and I proceeded to bond while discussing our favorite movies and actors. Jim's quite a fan of Russell Crowe. He was fascinated by how he could portray such strikingly different characters in Gladiator and A Beautiful Mind. I almost felt bad interrupting him to tell him that my computer was working normally again ... two hours later.
Or so it seemed. I bid Jim adieu and wished him luck in his future endeavors (he wants to be a biomechanical engineer). Of course, as soon as I realized my Internet wasn't working, my phone lost service. Murphy's Law in a nutshell.
To avoid this mess, all Microsoft had to do was alert me to all the things I should have done before I installed Service Pack 2. Come to think of it, if they told me what it did (which I'm still not entirely sure about), I probably never would have installed it in the first place. I wouldn't have spent over 10 hours on the phone with Microsoft tech support over the course of a week and a half. I wouldn't have lost every file on my hard drive and had to reinstall everything from scratch. But hey, then I wouldn't have learned about Dave and his wife. So I guess it wasn't a total loss.
Craig Cohen is a Wharton junior from Woodbury, N.Y. He Hate Me appears on Fridays.
