(This article appeared in the 4/5/04 joke issue)The fact that Penn settled for a dirty hippie instead of a sports figure as its graduation speaker has left some students wondering how the University screwed this one up.
"We screwed this one up," University President Judith Rodin said on her failure to bring in a Philadelphia sports icon on two separate occasions. "Our first two choices didn't exactly work out."
Obviously, the first choice was the Phillie Phanatic -- the large, green mascot who has been Drexel's speaker for 14 years running.
"We really wanted the Phanatic," Rodin said. "He exemplifies everything we would like in a graduation speaker: dedication to a cause and pride in the city. Plus, he transcends race and gender ... you know, because he's a Phanatic."
While Rodin and her posse were hellbent on choosing the Phanatic, Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky disagreed.
"He doesn't talk," Bilsky said. "How can you have a speaker that doesn't talk? That would be like fencing without a fence."
Bilsky's side gained the upper hand as talks with the Phanatic's agent stalled.
"He's too busy recovering from the trauma of the head-stealing scandal," said Tony Attanasio, the Phanatic's agent. "That's a lot to handle when your nose and mouth are the same thing."
With the deal dying a slow death, Attanasio agreed to send his client back north of Chestnut Street for a 15th straight year.
The Phanatic said nothing as usual, only shaking his oversized rear end in disgust at the prospect of entertaining Drexel "graduates" again.
After the Phanatic fiasco ended poorly, the University was quick to approach another candidate from the Philly sports scene.
Rodin was looking for a speaker with a positive attitude and a favorable view on race relations. Instead, she found basketball star Allen Iverson.
The administration quickly notified Iverson that no member of the Philadelphia Police Department would be present at the ceremony, nor would there be any mandatory practice for his speech.
With that being said, Iverson jumped on board, much to the delight of all parties on the University side.
Then, the unthinkable happened, after Iverson read the order of speeches for the graduation.
"They scheduled me to talk second," Iverson said. "I don't know any franchise player talk second. I don't know any Olympian talk second. I don't know any former MVP talk second. I don't know any All-Star talk second. Why Allen Iverson talk second?"
Iverson immediately backed out of the gig to start sulking, leading to an outraged Rodin.
"Speak English, son," Rodin said. "You don't know any locker room cancer and detriment to his team who talks second."
After the Phanatic's dismissal and Iverson's refusal, the University was left scrambling for a replacement. It found such a replacement in a second-rate washed up singer.
Oh, well. There's always hope for next year. At least there better be, according to one irked junior.
"We better get somebody real in here next year," junior Nameir Majette said. "Or else."
