(This article appeared in the 4/5/04 joke issue) Bring on the Trojans.
In an unprecedented move, the Penn football team will take on the Division I-A defending national co-champions, the University of Southern California, to open the 2004 season on Sept. 18.
The Quakers will face the Trojans -- winners of the 2003 Rose Bowl -- in the Los Angeles Coliseum. This is the first game against a I-A opponent for Penn since its 1987 loss to Navy.
The move marks the third different California team that the Quakers have been scheduled to play against for the upcoming season, after both St. Mary's and San Diego recently dropped their football programs due to fiscal constraints.
Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky was disappointed, but he vowed to keep the "Dream of Californication" alive.
He got to work, and in a stroke of good luck, he found that the Trojans had an open date on Sept 18. Bilsky made the appropriate phone calls, and the Quakers will be going to California after all.
"We are very excited to be playing such a quality opponent to start the season," Bagnoli said. "Who knows? Maybe we can stun someone."
The Trojans, however, are giving the Quakers no respect.
"At first, I thought we were playing Penn State, and they're kinda good, you know. But Penn? Aren't they just smart kids?" USC quarterback Matt Leinart said.
Leinart was not the only one to make this identity mistake. USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett also thought that the Quakers were the Nittany Lions.
It turns out that there is a good reason for the confusion. Bilsky, along with Athletic Communications Associate Director Rich Schepis, the football sports information contact, allowed the USC staff to believe that its counterparts from Happy Valley were on the phone.
Schepis made himself unavailable for comment. However, he was overheard at the team water cooler.
"We got 'em good. It was like an episode of 24 except instead of hours it was people and instead of 24 it was two," Schepis was heard saying to Bilsky in secret recordings from Weightman Hall.
"I can't believe that they fell for my Joe Paterno impersonation," Bilsky responded.
The game was scheduled at the Los Angeles Coliseum for 3 p.m. local time, and since Penn's name was on the bottom line of the contract, it is official. The Trojans can do nothing to cancel the game unless they forfeit the entire season.
USC head coach Pete Carroll was irate when he found out what had happened.
"First, we get nailed because of the strength of the schedule in the BCS last year, and now we have to play a I-AA team! I was better off coaching the Jets when I was 6-10."
Carroll was on the verge of quitting, so USC raised his salary to be above that of co-national champion Nick Saban's of LSU.
Carroll then dropped his complaint.
Barring an act of God, the Quakers really will be going to California to open the season. Las Vegas already has Penn as a 75-point underdog. But, the likely starting quarterback for the Red and Blue, sophomore Patrick McDermott, is not concerned.
"If we play our game, and take it one play at a time, giving 110 percent, leaving nothing on the field, we have a pretty good chance at maybe making it somewhat close," he said. "Heck, we beat Lehigh last year and they were also in the Top 25."
