Ahh, the good ol' days.
Days when we were more than just prognosticators, we were Sage, Wise, Awe-inspiring, Magnificent, Incredible, Stupendous.
Days when our flying magic carpet rides meant an almost-certain rendezvous with our own special genies -- state highway patrolmen.
Days when narcoleptics slept and easy riders sped us to an Ivy title.
Days when we PrognostiQuakers were ruled by our red-headed King and his kleptomaniac ways, or his heir, the Lord of Ciggys.
Ahh, but those days are gone.
Our last, greatest class of prognosticating non-PrognostiQuakers has separated, each non-PrognostiQuaker taking his magic carpet, turban and memories on a private trip toward destiny.
Some have made their way down south, others to Manhattan, the holy city. Some have jobs, others are still searching. Some have strict dress codes, others, latex gloves.
But, despite their differences, all share one thing in common -- hatred for all things Princetonian.
So, we set off on one, last nostalgic carpet ride to find out what these graduated seniors had to say about football, Princeton and the sad fate of non-PrognostiQuaking.
Our first stop took us to our nation's capital -- errrr, Arlington, Va. -- to meet with the assistant (gopher) to Tom Brokaw (Jim Lehrer).
Black Powder -- now trying to avoid white powder -- chipped in with a gem: "I don't like Princeton."
But, as the conversation wore on, his prognosticating abilities made a sudden return.
"I'm not going to say anything funny, clearly."
Clearly.
So, after a non-enlightening conversation with a former weenie, we traveled to visit the grandest weenie of them all down south.
Still writing, Cheeseburger is getting his groove on with other non-kosher foodstuffs, notably covering Florida's famous "Ham Jam."
Always one for the big words, the big burger predicted that this weekend's score will be "ludicrous."
But, while heavy on the prognosticating, Pork was light on the funny, so we moved onto the Kingdom of Laughs, DPOSTM.
Our first stop took us on a swing through Boston, where we met up with our favorite young 'un, Harry Potter.
Potter, otherwise known as Dog, is currently unemployed, but things are looking up with the help of a few Baltimore Sun wizards and some magic.
In fact, Doggy has seen a lot of magic at two Penn football games this fall.
And, after all that watching, he's ready to predict a seventh Penn win.
On our flight to New York, the first person we ran into (and almost over) was Invisible Man.
Now a political consultant, Mr. Invisible carefully considered each and every word.
"Thank God I don't work with any [Princeton kids]. Thank something, not God. Maybe thank heaven. Or, you can say thank God."
But, despite the lack of polling time, the Disappearing One was willing to make a few predictions.
"Gavin Hoffman is going to throw for 400 yards. And Kris Ryan is going to rush for the record this week."
Which record, we inquired?
"You know, that record."
Uh huh. But despite his recall problems, there was something the politico was unequivocal about -- Penn vs. Princeton. "It's going to be a stomping."
Leaving Mr. Invisible, we met with the AP's greatest talent, Easy Rider, who let us know the real reason Penn will come out on top: Princeton kicker Taylor Northrop.
"Anybody with a name like Taylor Northrop really needs to get his ass kicked, so I'm sure we'll put a hurtin' on that guy."
Feeling cheery after the latest prediction, we spoke to Chasing Mandy, who's been chasing new women in merry Old England.
The future oil magnate, in town for the week, let us know that rampant anti-Tigerism is a global phenomenon and made the wise PrognostiQuation that "Penn is going to kill" the Tigers.
Bidding adieu to His Mandiness (cheerio!), we met Three-Packs, who, it seems, is packing a lot of bull.
The Biz Week writer refused to get down and dirty, commenting only that Princeton seems to be "a very self-absorbed place."
As for the football game, he was a little more forth-coming: "I think it's going to be a laugher."
Guess who'll be laughing?
Penn 69, Princeton 0.
