Lauren Bialystok: From your neighbour to the north

First of all, it's "Tronno," not "Tuh-RONT-oh."

And it's not some remote village hidden in a frigid northern wasteland. My hometown is a thriving city of four million people, I'll have you know. And only some of us live in igloos.

You may also be surprised to learn that Toronto is just 2530 hours by dogsled from Philadelphia. Or 76 minutes by plane. More than you Texans can say for yourselves.

In light of this widespread ignorance, I think it's time we established some facts about that huge chunk of land on top of the U.S.A. I'm getting downright fed up with all you Americans who fail to realize that we are a little more than kin and less than kind.

Let's start with a few simple comparisons.

Whereas Americans are flagrantly friendly, Canadians are merely polite. Americans in the service industry always want to know how you're doing. Canadians just want you to pay and be satisfied.

Americans are known worldwide for their, um, candidness.

Once a van driver for a storage company in Philadelphia had to pick me up and drive me to the warehouse to lock up my items. He talked to me about his sex life the whole way.

Canadians, while personable, have maintained a certain degree of British reserve.

It's no coincidence that English-speaking travellers to Europe notoriously affix Canadian flags to their knapsacks in order to receive more civilized treatment from the natives.

Canadians are generally calm and law-abiding. Americans, however, still show signs of their revolutionary roots.

If an American pedestrian comes to the corner at a red light, she'll probably wait for the light to change because she doesn't want to get killed. But if she happens to get hit, she can rest secure in the knowledge that the driver will be dragged to court and sued for an obscene amount of money.

If a Canadian comes to the corner at a red light, she'll probably wait for the light to change because it's the law. But if she happens to jaywalk, she can rest secure in the knowledge that oncoming drivers will stop short of hitting her rather than plow through the intersection just to prove a point.

When an American bumps into a Canadian by accident, the American screams "Watch where you're going!" The Canadian says "sorry."

No, not "sah-ree." SORE-ree.

Many Americans do not appreciate these nuances, but instead harp on exaggerated myths about their mysterious neighbours to the north.

We do not, as some of you seem to think, start all our sentences in English and finish them in French. Yes, there are two official languages in Canada, but most people only use one at a time.

Perhaps the most vicious misconception about Canadian culture is the use of our beloved expression: "eh."

You can't just throw it into any sentence wherever you feel like it and pass yourself off as a Canuck. It bears a particular property of reinforcing the meaning of the sentence. For example: "American beer tastes like piss, eh?"

Now let's talk grammar.

Lesson #1: adverbs.

You're not real proud to be an American. You're really proud.

Lesson #2: spelling and pronunciation.

"Colour" has six letters. The last letter of the alphabet is "zed." And the plural of "leaf" is not "leaves." It's "leafs," as in the Toronto Maple Leafs.

But we'll save hockey for another class. On to politics.

Canadian news gets so little coverage in American media that I'm always impressed when an American knows that we have a prime minister, not a president.

I know you're racking your brain. I'll put you out of your misery.

Jean Chr‚tien. His name is Jean Chr‚tien. Go ahead, try it. Jawh (with a soft, rolling 'g') Khray-tya. Gargle when you pronounce the "Chr," like you have something caught in your throat. There. Now you'll recognize his name when it comes up on a two-second clip in the news next month.

But here's the real shocker: Canada is not governed by the British monarchy. They've been out of our hair for a full 20 years.

Canada is, despite widespread skepticism, a viable political entity. And we're damn proud. Just go anywhere in Canada, and you'll see flags waving all over the place under the motto "United we sit."

Now I know you only want to annex my country out of the generosity of your imperialist souls, but I've had a word with my people, and Jean, Jacques, Fred and I all agree that we'd rather stay independent, thank you very much.

True, nothing I can say will dislodge your perception of the universe with the United States of America smack in the centre, nor will it erode your conviction that this is the "greatest civilization humanity has ever known." But I thought it couldn't hurt to familiarize you a bit with some fundamentals of Canadiana.

Good neighbours know each other by name.

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