The PrognostiQuakers have heard the whispers around the Ivy League.
Brown wide receiver Charles "Chas" Gessner is a star. He's a showboat. He brags, he boasts and he backs it up.
We're not buying any of it.
So off we went to prove that Gessner is little more than a dud with an awful bastardization of a name.
Powered by the forces of SEPTA, the great PrognostiQuakers traveled around the country to the homes of each and every man who goes by Charles Gessner.
And let us say, never before have we been more disgusted, more infuriated, more nauseated than we are with people who are crippled with that hideous name.
Of the 19 Charles Gessners across the United States, only one was courteous enough to even talk to us. And that was only after prefacing the conversation with, "hurry up, my food's getting cold." (He was referring to his cantaloupe filled with cottage cheese.)
Of the other 18, eight weren't home, four hid behind their wives, two abruptly declined to comment, two more were dentists from Iowa, one was a senile old man and the last refused to accept unsolicited visitors.
We could not make this up if we tried, folks.
The great PrognostiQuakers have thus determined that Charles Gessner is the worst possible name in the universe. By far.
Anyone named Charles Gessner should just save the trouble and lock himself in a rat-infested basement with nothing but a Hanson CD and a cooler of prune juice.
So off we went again, the omnipotent PrognostiQuakers, trying to figure out just what was wrong with the Charles Gessners of the world.
In our search, we stumbled upon a man named Charles Gaffner.
And let us tell you, the aff in the last name makes a colossal difference.
This man, the father of a Penn graduate, knew exactly what he was talking about.
What does he think of the on-field taunting done by Brown's Gessner?
"That's not a good quality in people," Gaffner replied.
Has he ever gone by the name Chas?
"No definitely not."
Why?, we ask.
"I think it's pretty terrible."
Well, that's what we think of Chas Gessner.
So, confident in the character of this particular Charles, we asked his prediction for Saturday's big game.
The answer came in a heartbeat.
"Penn by two touchdowns."
Sounds good to us.
Penn 42, Brown 28
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