DENG XIOPING STILL DEAD:
BEIJING -- Deng Xioping, who led the People's Republic of China until his death in 1997, remained not alive today. At a press conference yesterday, Chinese government officials confirmed Xioping's current status. "Deng Xioping is, indeed, no longer living," Chinese spokesman Wey Li said. Also still dead are Big Pun, Emilio Estevez's career, George Burns and Tiger from The Brady Bunch.
FRENCH LEARN TO FIGHT:
PARIS -- French President Jacques Chirac yesterday announced a new program in which all French men over the age of 18 will enter mandatory programs to toughen them up. "Frankly, we were just tired of getting conquered all the time," Chirac said. "Ever since World War I it's been, invasion, occupation, invasion, occupation, liberation, invaded again. We're tired of being the EU's skinny kid with glasses." The programs will include beer appreciation courses and mandatory consumption of hot wings, to "put hair on their chests," according to French Defense Minister Alain Richard.
BUSH TO TAKE UP GOLF:
WASHINGTON -- President Bush has announced that he will learn the game of golf, massively shrinking his presidential shortcomings. According to a top White House official, Bush felt he was spending far too much time inside the Oval Office, and needed to get a feel for the "lay of the land," and "how the common people of this great nation really live." In a statement to the press, Bush tied the golf decision to his proposed tax cut package. "As I see things, a $1.6 trillion tax cut means that many of the unnecessary programs this government runs will no longer exist. For me, that means a lot more free time."
DJIBOUTI TO CHANGE NAME:
DJIBOUTI, Djibouti -- Tired of being the butt of every international geography joke, the African nation of Djbouti has opted to change its name to "Arcadia" next year. President Guelleh Ismail Omar said the name change will mark a new chapter in his nation's history. "We felt that it was time for a name change," Omar said. "Our nation is on that should command respect and dignity, and I'll kick Djibouti if you say otherwise. But, seriously folks.... whew... that kills me every time... okay, pull yourself together Guelleh, ahem... we heard the French were making fun of us, and we knew it was time for a swap." Djibouti's capital city, which is also called Djibouti, will retain its current name. Omar admitted that was really weird.
