Rev., minions buy Houston

In an act of retribution against the University's supposed gentrification of West Philadelphia, Neighbors Against McPenntrification made a move to acquire Penn's Houston Hall yesterday, according to University spinmaster Lori Doyle. In the past, the yahoo community activist organization has protested against Penn's revitalization plans for the 40th Street corridor and the building of a McDonald's at 43rd and Market streets. Last week, the organization received an anonymous donation, said to cover the occupancy costs of the building. The amount of the donation was undisclosed. According to Doyle, no timeline has been set for the group's move to Houston, but it will occur in the "near future." "Penn is a money laundering entity, and it is doing its best to displace low income neighbors and neighbors of color," said the Rev. Larry Falcon, a member of Neighbors Against McPenntrification. "We are acquiring Houston Hall in an effort to save the community and simultaneously keep our eye on University officials who wear several hats and claim to represent the well-being of the community," he added. Falcon cited the appointment of several top University officials to city boards, specifically Head Honcho Judy Rodin and top real estate official Tom Lussenhop. Though not satisfied with the group's increasing presence on campus, Rodin said that the activists have just as much of a right to buy a campus building as anyone else with such funds. Money is, after all, what drives Penn. "It is my sincere hope that we can put past conflicts behind us and renew the relationship with the community," Rodin said. "That has always been our mission since our inception. We are a University for the community." Falcon explained the reason why Neighbors Against McPenntrification chose to occupy Houston Hall instead of another University building. "I can throw rocks at University officials in College Hall, which is directly across from Houston," Falcon said. Falcon and his fellow Neighbors Against McPenntrification members have also expressed interest in acquiring Houston Market, which is currently housed in the building they will soon be occupying. Organization leader Roxie Smith said that she was interested in taking over Houston Market to "accommodate those people that would be displaced" by the construction of the new McDonald's and the rumored close of the one on 40th and Walnut streets. Students, on the other hand, are not so concerned with the proprietors of the building. "Gosh golly, I just want some good french fries," College freshman Dennis Watson said. "I'd be very interested in seeing what they could pull out," College freshman Mike Biondi said. "They better not mess with the arcade room either." Falcon said that he has no plans for the future of the arcade room or the card store currently in the Houston building. He does, however, plan to ride around Locust Walk on his new high-tech scooter, which he said he will gladly lend to neighbor Judith Rodin at any time. Moreover, he intends to attract Penn students to his cause by playing loud music on the Walk, namely Madonna and Britney Spears songs. "I'm all for it. They hella rock," College freshman Miriam Bloom said. The proposed deal has seen some delays, however, as Neighbors Against McPenntrification will not move into Houston Hall until the University repairs significant problems with the floor.