City announces revised alcohol policy

The city of Philadelphia yesterday enacted a new policy forbidding the serving of alcohol after 10 p.m. After that time, bars, strip joints and any other alcohol-drenched locations within the city limits will serve only food and non-alcoholic beverages such as ginger ale. The University worked jointly with the mayor's office to pass the new regulation. "We feel that everyone will benefit from this policy," Street said. "Now the people of Philadelphia will be able to roam the streets after 10 p.m. without the fear of bumping into wandering drunks." As an afterthought, Street added, "Just between you and me, though, I can't see West Philadelphia ever becoming a safe place to walk the streets after dark, policy or no policy. Luckily, most of our legislation here at the Mayor's office is aimed at benefiting the residents of Center City anyway." Street has pledged to spend the month of April traveling daily from bar to bar making sure the new law is being enforced. "The intricacies of this policy may be difficult for some bar owners to understand," Street said. "My entire office will be heading out to the streets in an effort to offer personal guidance to those affected by the regulation." Philadelphia Managing Director Joseph Martz believes that the new policy will make Philadelphia a more attractive city to potential citizens. "This new alcohol policy is just one more step in our ongoing effort to lure recent college graduates to stay here," he said. "Who wouldn't want to live in a city that is so committed to handling the problem of alcohol in such an effective and reasonable way?" He then got up to leave, saying, "If you'll excuse me, it's almost 8:30 and I've still got to hit the bars on my way home." University Alcohol Coordinator Stephanie Ives said she hopes that the new policy will help the University keep a better watch on its approximately 10,000 undergraduates. "If the city had not instituted this policy, we may have had to take more drastic measures to keep the students in check, such as video cameras and breathalizers, and God knows we don't have the funds for that." Provost Robert Barchi also said he welcomed the new policy. "Our main focus here is to make Penn a more academically oriented university, like our peer institutions," he said. "I want to ensure that our students have as lame a social life as I had during my undergraduate years." "By taking steps such as raising our tuition by outrageous amounts and firmly sticking to this new policy, we can slowly earn the kind of prestige that Harvard and Princeton receive without even trying," Barchi said, somewhat bitterly. In related news, the management at Smokey Joe's said it will not comply with the new policy until the University repairs significant problems with its floor.