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[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] A greasy spoon diner is finally coming to campus this fall. And although the restaurant will be new, a familiar face will be flipping pancakes in the kitchen -- John Fry. Penn's executive vice president said he was sick and tired of hearing students complain that there was no diner on campus -- so he's decided to take matters into his own hands. Literally. Fry said that when the diner opens at Sansom Common in September, he will be discarding his pinstriped suits for a chef's hat when he takes leave from his executive responsibilities and starts working as the chef. "You may think I'm just a money grubbing businessman," Fry said. "But I know my way around a kitchen. I make a mean Denver omelette." As executive vice president, Fry is the University's top financial official and oversees all of Penn's business and financial dealings. Still, he said these responsibilities are nothing compared to the satisfaction he will receive by providing students with bacon cheeseburgers and french fries. Fry added that he is not unfamiliar with the business, having worked in a McDonald's to earn extra money before he was hired at Penn. "I worked in Micky-D's all through high school," he said. "And I won employee of the week three times." Students praised the proposal, saying that maybe with Fry in charge they would get a decent meal. "He's going to cook us crazy-good food," College senior and Undergraduate Assembly Chairman Michael Silver said. "I can't wait for him to cook me a big plate of scrapple." And even University President Judith Rodin said she was looking forward to the new eatery on campus. "John really does have a way with a spatula," Rodin said. "He made me eggs benedict once. It was orgasmic." Penn Students Against Diners expressed anger with Fry's plans to bring a diner to campus. They will throw greasy hamburgers at Fry's car on Thursday in protest.

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