JOKE ISSUE: W. Lax calendar to aid tight funds

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] In a first-of-its-kind move in Ivy League athletics, the Penn women's lacrosse team announced yesterday that it would be releasing a team calendar as a means of raising money to offset a budget shortfall. At a noon press conference held at Weightman Hall, first-year Quakers coach Karin Brower described the quandary faced by the team, which resulted from a lack of alumni donations and less-than-stellar sales of team gear at Penn basketball games. To compensate for an expected $500,000 shortfall, the Quakers will release the "Women of Penn Lacrosse: Chicks with Sticks" calendar, which will span the 2000-01 academic year and sell for $9.99 a pop, in selected area bookstores come August. "I do hope that this helps to make up some of our, um, recent losses," Penn goalie Christian Stover said. "Hopefully then I can stop betting on the games. "Between you and me," she whispered, "Bet on the over." The calendar also has possibilities on a larger scale. "I'm excited about the prospects for this calendar and the exposure that it will lend to the team," Brower said. "And if the men on Penn's campus are as lecherous as we think, we'll make up our budget deficit and then some in no time. Never mind the wonders it will do for recruiting?" Features of the calendar will include a page dedicated to each of the three sororities represented by the team, and freshman and sophomore class pull-outs. A coaches' spread is also expected, and a month will be dedicated to the team's tri-captains. "At first we thought this was a little bit exploitative, and the team was against the idea," said Quakers midfielder Emily Foote, a Daily Pennsylvanian sports reporter. "But we were assured that the photo spreads would be done tastefully. And besides, we do have those DP-types taking photos of us as we run around in short skirts at our games already." News and Notes Rumors abound that Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky will buy up all copies of the calendar to give to alumni and parents.