Ivy Roundup: "Will you be my saucy valentine? edition"

and Kent Malmros We here at Ivy Roundup have been smitten by the outpouring of love on Locust Walk. It seems every student group on campus is out selling balloons, candy and other trinkets of affection. Cupid's arrow has caused Roundup to fall head over heels in love as well. To show our affection, we went out and bought every flavor of condomgram we could find, all in the hopes of wooing our new true love -- the Canadian Broadcasting Company. Yes, we are tired of CBS' inability to put out. In contrast, CBC's Olympic coverage is always ready for action and goes all night long. So in our lusty state we bring you the one you love, Ivy Roundup. WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE? OF THE WEEK Shaun Gee, Dartmouth forward? we heard he can play, or was that, he gets play? · TOP RANKED PRETENDER OF THE WEEK Princeton. No shock there. But this time they really earned the title. At Friday night's game at Leede's Arena in Dartmouth, the announcer introduced Tigers coach Bill Carmody as? "Bill Guthridge"? While there are plenty of similarities between the two -- both are named Bill and both served as assistants under "legendary" (rhymes with "old and decrepit" in Pete Carril's case) coaches -- Guthridge leads the nation's top ranked team, North Carolina. Just as Princeton is no North Carolina, Carmody is no Guthridge. The most obvious way to tell? Tar Heels do not partake in constant backdoor penetration. That was the other ACC team of the 90s (see: Blue Devils, Bobby or Christian, not Bill.) · UNFOUNDED RUMOR OF THE WEEK This fine report come to us via Phil, one of Dartmouth's janitors. After Dartmouth coach Dave Faucher appeared from the locker room yelling at the handful of remaining fans who were lingering in the arena following the Little Green's loss to Penn, Phil tipped us off as to why Faucher was rambling on. "The guy's sauced all the time," Phil said. "I played some good basketball in my time, and this guy don't show me shit. He looks tired or something all the time. I've been here for a long time, and he ain't no good." Although Phil's dentures fell out, and he can't see, Roundup found that to be no reason to discount credibility, or question his basketball knowledge. The fact that Faucher apparently can't hold his liquor too well would explain his wild quotes from earlier in the year. "I can't figure out why the Penn's women's team is so bad," Faucher responded when asked about the Quakers men's team's recruiting practices. · CHEER OF THE WEEK The best cheer of the week came from the Dartmouth cheerleaders. It went something like this? "???" Apparently eaten by the extra-large sized Harvard cheerleaders, there was no sight of anyone dressed in pom-poms cheering for Dartmouth. Not that the crowd minded, they were more than content to sit on their hands as they watched Dartmouth get crushed on back-to-back nights. Roundup would like to point out that the non-existence of Dartmouth cheerleaders still gave them an attractiveness edge over their Crimson counterparts. · DIRECTIONALLY CHALLENGED OF THE WEEK Anyone searching for the Harvard-Penn basketball game Friday night simply had to go the opposite direction of every other single human being in the vicinity. Having given up on the chronic losing tradition of their hoops team, the pucks up in Boston were all headed to the hockey arena to watch the Crimson down Union 3-1. A random survey of Harvard hockey fans found that zero percent had the faintest idea where basketball would be played in the area. Typical conversations between a Masshole and Roundup staff went something like this: RU: Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to Lavietes Pavilion? Masshole #1: What's that? Do they play hockey there? RU: No, it's the Harvard basketball arena. Masshole #2: No, but the hockey arena is that way. RU: We need the basketball arena. Masshole #1: Huh??? Does that game use a puck? Do you really pay $32,000 a year to be an idiot? Hours of searching the city of Cambridge ensued, only to find that the Quakers were busy beating Harvard in the building RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the hockey rink.

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