IVY ROUNDUP: The We're Out of it Edition

Harvard's victory over Penn last weekend left them one easy shutout of Yale away from their first ever undefeated Ivy League season. In other football news, Brown wide receiver Sean Morey tied the conference record for career touchdowns. Bears quarterback James Perry broke school records for passing yards and attempts in a game. Cornell wide receiver Eric Krawczyk broke the school's 30-year-old record for receiving yards in a season. With the flurry of broken records, we at Roundup had a feeling there was something strange going on. With no records set at the only game in New Jersey, we knew it couldn't be the water. We hoped the former record-holders would be able to shed some light on the crazy weekend. This necessitated a visit to the sports information staffs of our venerable Ivy League foes, who masked their resistance with incompetence and asinine responses. Recording of the Week Figuring it was already too cold for Cornell students to be outside (except for mass suicides, of course), we graced them with our first inquiries. A recording gave instructions for everything from pool hours to physical education classes but no actual sports information. Harvard Innovation of the Week We hoped for better luck at Harvard, where there was a sign that this year's football season had been decided by something far beyond the control of even Al Bagnoli. The clue was the reaction of Harvard fans to last week's title-clinching victory. Did they tear down the uprights? No. Rush the field? Nope. They must have known the outcome beforehand, because they just sort of sat in their snow-covered seats that no one had bothered to clean. We went straight to Harvard's Director of Operations, Lauren Doherty, where we asked about the seat cushions that doubled as icepacks. "That's not really a concern of ours," Captain Responibility said. Apparently, Harvard officials figured their students would not be using the seats anyway, so they did not bother. Roundup figures the money must have gone for added security to keep crazed students off the field. But there were only two senior citizens for guards, indicating that the money had been saved to bribe the good people at U.S. News and World Report. "The Harvard University Police are trained to deal with things like that? players getting hurt, people rushing the field," the Maureen Rush-wannabe said. Huh? When did police start dealing with football injuries? Only at Harvard, where they continue to lead the world into the 21st century. Wasted Student of the Week Our friend at Brown Sports Information was whistling for the entire conversation. We asked about the former Ivy League leader in career touchdown receptions. "I'll look it up? hold on? Dave Fultz, oh no wait. That's the Brown record. One second? Princeton's Derek Graham? I'm sorry, that's not right? Steve Jordan." Roundup knew not to ask if she was sure, so we inquired about his school. "Isn't he a Brown guy?? I think he is? hold on? yep, he's a Brown guy." The whistling continued as we asked if she knew who held the previous record for passing attempts and yards in a game. "No? I mean? it was? well, the previous record was 368 yards? it was the second best performance in Ivy League history ?" But do you know who it is? "No, I don't have that." Ah, the virtues of pot. Solution of the Week We decided to give Cornell one last try so we called the Cornell Daily Sun. After holding to the tune of country music three times, we finally found the previous record-holder, and the answer to our quest: Bill Murray. That's right folks. It's time for another sequel to Ghostbusters.