Ivy Roundup: Sex, Elis, and Bideotape Edition

and The Cone Streaking through the Ivy football world like a pass through the Towson defense, it's Ivy Roundup. As always, our staff has searched high (not a Brown reference) and low for the latest and greatest in Ivy football action. Well, we followed Yale, too, but that only proves our commitment. So, without further ado, Roundup presents the? Shocker of the Week Perhaps the most stunning turn of events in the world of Ancient Eight action was Yale's victory over Valparaiso. Since Valpo was completely unknown to most of the East Coast, Roundup and everyone else simply assumed they would clean Yale's clock. How wrong we were. One savvy observer knew better, though. Valparaiso (which means "really pathetic" in Spanish) pays Sports Information Director Bob Rogers to watch the Crusaders week in and week out. He knew Valpo didn't have a prayer. "We're trying to get ourselves together," said Rogers, who explained that the Crusaders had dropped four straight entering the clash. "We're not what you'd call a team expected to beat Yale. There wasn't a betting line, but if there had been, we would have been the underdog." Teams you would expect to beat Yale include all the other Ivy teams, all other Division I-AA teams, Division III Union (already happened in a scrimmage) and all touch football teams in the mud pit formerly known as Superblock. The game was played at Chicago's Soldier Field, so that Yale could host local alumni. If you're surprised Yale has to travel half a continent to find a team it can beat, please raise your hand now. Didn't think so. Strippers of the Week All those in attendance at the Penn-Towson game last Saturday (and there weren't too many), were privy to a special event. No, it wasn't the Quakers' offense humiliating the Tigers' defense by pounding out over 400 total yards. It occurred at halftime and it involved the Towson Band. While the Tigers football team was dreadful, the Band and Dance Team's performance was simply outrageous. Although the Penn Band made another woeful attempt at a halftime skit, which included the usual boring spelling of words, insulting the administration (deferred maintenance -- that's fresh) and making fun of the many clueless freshmen in attendance, the Tigers' band made one geometric shape after another. In addition to the trigonometry lesson all Penn fans received, Towson's band had something extra special to compliment its unusual routine. The Dance Team, straight out of Fame, choreographed routines to Towson's music while twirling flags. But that wasn't all. For the pleasure of all Quakers, the group of Towson flag girls, who sported flashy black outfits that matched their nice large asses, stripped. That's right. In the middle of flipping up their flags, the pleasantly large Dance Team ripped off their skirts, allowing Penn fans bonus coverage of their lovely figures. Now we here at Roundup know what Penn folks are thinking. But this stuff is too good to make up. What is even better is the Towson Band and Dance -- a.k.a. Strip -- Team are currently looking for new members. So for all those interested in jumping ship to the one and only Towson University (not to be confused with Towson State), tranfer applications are due November 1 or you can call 410-830-2765 and ask to speak with Dr. Rothlisberger about the possibility of obtaining a scholarship. Rams of the Week This weekend one of Penn's archrivals plans to continue its bid for football immortality. Once again Dartmouth will attempt to build upon its 20-game unbeaten streak. The Big Green's opponents Saturday are the most unworthy Rams of Fordham, who have an information number that consistently hangs up on you. In gathering information on the Rams, Roundup had to check in with The Brown Daily Herald. Last weekend, in a nailbiter, the Bears edged past Fordham 45-14. Sports afficionado at the Daily Bong, Mike Rubin, referred to the Fordham football team as a "joke." "We gave them every opportunity to win last weekend," Rubin said inbetween hits. "But we still beat them, dude." When propositioned about the chances of the Rams taking out the Big Green over the weekend, Rubin seemed confident about his own prediction. "There is no way Fordham will win," Rubin said. "Like I said, we handed the game to them and they really just are not that good." Following two comments in which Rubin slammed his own team, Roundup had to find out whether Rubin thought Brown could beat Dartmouth. "No Comment," Rubin said. "Uh.... actually no, we are too young and we kind of suck." Right on dude, now pass the bong.

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