COLUMN: Everyone's entitled to his opinion

From Nathan Smith's, "White Lightning," Fall '97 From Nathan Smith's, "White Lightning," Fall '97If you're anything like me, you've somehow found the time to read almost all the opinion pieces in our proud Penn periodical. I'm certainly guilty of it. Last semester, I wrote a column about Hutchinson Gymnasium and its various shortcomings. I reread it just the other day, and it struck me that every paragraph should have begun with "and here's another thing that really chaps my ass." It just went on and on, whining and moaning. But what could I do? I had a deadline to meet, and it's just so easy to fall back on this ready-made formula for a column. Admittedly, columnists have the right to write about anything they please (as long as it doesn't make the editor sick to her stomach). However, I think it's time for columnists to challenge themselves to produce new and original works, to push this page to the limits, to use their 900 words in never-before-seen ways. If they won't do it for themselves, you, the reader, will have to. So, today, I've produced the ultimate "bitch-and- moan" column. With it I'm hoping to accomplish three goals. First, I want to take the time to address in one fell swoop all the issues these columns generally address. Second, I'm hoping this column will do so much whining all the columnists will feel any more would be redundant. Finally, I hope to familiarize the reader with this particular genre so in the future, if any column takes this tone, one can simply skip to the crossword, effectively boycotting it. Hopefully you'll never waste your time on such a fruitless effort. Er, I mean, after you waste your time on THIS one. That's it. I can't take it anymore. The students on this campus are either too scared of repercussions, or too pre-occupied with drinking to speak out a out the problems that are bothering us all. As a seasoned Penn student who's ignored more campus events than you've had hot dinners, I feel I'm the only one brave enough, smart enough, critical enough, loud-mouthed enough and informed enough to delineate everything that is so terribly wrong with our campus. First, let me start off with our administration. I cannot believe how un available the administration is to the students. They do lots of public relations events, meetings with the heads of big student organizations, conferences with the heads of minority groups for the express purpose of quelling student revolts, but what do they know about real Penn students, the little guys, three foot tall students like me who are totally uninvolved with student activities? Nothing! I've invited Judith Rodin out for a drink every Friday night for the past month, and the best I could get was a martini with Jennifer Baldino. Until I see Rodin pull a 10-second keg stand, or at the very least swig from a 40 of Eight Ball, I will remain convinced that she cannot relate to the true Penn experience. And here's another thing that chaps my ass; what is with these student groups? You've got SAC, BSL, Kite and Key, KSA, CSA, PACE, UMC, OFSA, SAS, UA, LGBA, PCP, LSD, THCOh, wait, I'm confusing my acronyms. Regardless, these are all causes around which students gather, mostly in the name of unity. But look at what it has done to us! We gather in these little splinter groups and just hang out with people like ourselves but in the process we dissociate ourselves from people we probably wouldn't like anyway. I'm telling you, it's just not right! It's not what college is about. We should be stuck spending all of our free time with people who don't understand us, people with whom we share no common interests, people who have no desire to see us empower ourselves. Now that's campus unity! We'll be stuck hanging out with people that bore us to death or piss us off. Abolish student groups now, and we'll be taking the first step toward a new understanding of one another. And another thing that gets my knickers in a twist; what is with these minority groups segregating themselves? Who gave them permission to splinter off like that and take the time to learn about their communities and identities? I think a purposeful alternative to our current system of self-segregation would be to have every student of color move to my floor in the Quadrangle. After all, the whole point of enrolling students of cultural backgrounds different from my o wn is to enrich MY education. Well, I see I'm nearing the word limit of my column, but rather than delineate fair solutions to these problems, I want to take a moment to briefly point to other problems which chafe my xyphoid process. So here they are: the classes aren't tough enough, the students aren't smart enough, the campus isn't clean enough, the tuition isn't cheap enough, West Philadelphia isn't policed enough, the food trucks aren't expensive enough, Wharton students aren't nice enough, Education students aren't capitalistic enough, the cafeterias aren't good enough, The Red and Blue isn't conservative enough, the bricks on Locust Walk aren't red enough, the minority students aren't cultural enough, the gay students are a little too gay and my pants are too tight. It's high time something was done about it. Now I can rest easy, having made the first substantial step towards posi tive change. After all, you can't fix the problem until you've identified it. It is in the latter capacity, and only in that capacity, that I wish to contribute. Fortunately for us all, everyone is entitled to hear my opinion.