From Jason Brenner, "My 20 Inches," Fall '97 From Jason Brenner, "My 20 Inches," Fall '97Well, it's about that time. Time to pack my bags and leave good ol' Penn. This time, however, I'm leaving for good. Ah yes, I'm about to make one of the archetypal journeys frequently detailed in modern music: "Just get on the bus, Gus"; "Hit the road, Jack"; "These boots were made for walking"; "I touch myself." (How did that one get in there?) Indeed, graduation is a bittersweet time for the student preparing to walk down the fabled aisle. Yet, since I've never harped on the serious aspects of life during my four semesters as a columnist, I won't start doing so now. Instead of weeping and moaning about how unprepared I am to face the real world, I'll take this opportunity to look back on my four years and discuss the five accomplishments of which I'm most proud. 1. Getting an A+ in Education 592: Concepts in Human Sexuality. This ranks as No. 1 on my list of academic achievements. Indeed, when I called my father -- who makes a living as an obstetrician-gynecologist -- and told him of the stellar mark I received in sex class, I heard the pride emanate from his voice as he said, "That's my boy." What better way is there to pick up girls than by spraying on the Drakkar, casually resting your forearm on the bar in front of you and whispering, "Hey baby. I got an A+ in Sex class. Wanna come back to my place and get tutored?" 2. Surviving four years of Dining Services food. As much as I love Anita (the kindly woman who swipes your PennCard as you enter the Class of 1920 Commons dining hall), I cannot write my final column without taking one last cheap shot at dining. Let's be honest, they find an almost infinite number of ways to rephrase "processed leftover chicken": from "chicken strips" to "chicken nuggets" to "chicken filet'' to "buffalo strips" -- it's all the same hideous poultry meat. I can proudly declare after eating three meals a day as a freshman (Yes Virginia, I actually made it to breakfast) and one meal a day during the following three years, I never once had to be rushed to HUP with some kind of digestive malady. 3. Graduating as the class valedictorian. (Anyone who's seen my transcript would need about 30 seconds to realize that's a joke.) 4. Going to University City Nautilus for a whole semester. Let me tell you something: it ain't easy to get a good workout when all the guys around me were busy flexing in the mirror and talking about their most recent sexual conquests. It's also impossible to get on a Stairmaster when every sorority girl on Penn's campus uses the machines as a way to meet Mr. Right (or at least make him drool for a half-hour). Indeed, it was a bit intimidating for me to mind my own business (read: benchpress 45 pounds) while all the meatheads around me were putting up so much weight that the little vein on their foreheads looked as if it would burst. But that's OK, my hard work paid off as I earned a hulking physique and a harem of women through one semester of working out. 5. Never participating in any sex act -- either with myself or with another human being, alive or dead -- in the stacks of Van Pelt. This one needs no explanation. There you have it: my five biggest accomplishments since the day I walked into the Quad as a confused and disheveled freshman, wondering what the next four years of my life would be like. Even when I wasn't busy accomplishing such remarkable feats, I enjoyed every minute of my college experience. I enjoyed that late night when, as a freshman, I sneaked into the graveyard on Woodland Avenue with a group of friends before being chased out by two rabid guarddogs frothing at the mouth. I enjoyed being propositioned by a hooker on 38th and Sansom streets. (Regretfully, I had to deny her kind offer.) I enjoyed feeling something pelt me on the back of a head as I walked down 39th Street and discovering it was the sandwich I had just given to some bum when he asked for money to buy food. I enjoyed awakening from the middle of unhygienic Economics Professor Shachmurove's dull lecture in Meyerson B-1 only to see a massive chunk of the ceiling had just collapsed! I enjoyed sitting in Psychology Professor Rozin's Psych 001 class while a kid dressed as the Energizer Bunny (some unfortunate pledge, no doubt) walked into the crowded lecture and, while beating his bass drum, chanted, "Still going." As you can see, while taking a break from attaining my aforementioned accomplishments, I had plenty of time to sit back and enjoy the ride. Was it the Grateful Dead who said, "What a long, strange trip it's been?" (I can't believe I just quoted those good-for-nothing drug addicts.) Well, I guess this is where the journey ends and a new one begins. Words cannot express how I feel so I'll just put my words in song. As that classic lyric goes, "Na-nah, nah, nah, nah-nah nah nah, hey hey hey, good-bye."
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