Why Steppin' Out Nite plain sucked

This article appeared in the joke issue. University administrators released an overall plan for area retail yesterday, including proposed restaurants and shops for the Sansom Commons retail complex as well as detailed descriptions of how to eliminate all newsstands and vending trucks from campus. Efforts to revitalize the University City area will come to fruition in a "funky" way, University President Judith Rodin said, adding that the retail options will be so appealing, she is afraid students may have difficulty deciding whether to go to class or go shopping. "We don't want our focus on retail to detract from students' emphasis on academics," she said. "But good shopping is crucial to a great college experience." The Sansom Commons retail complex -- an upscale retail park to be located near the Barnes & Noble superstore at 36th and Walnut streets -- will offer students many "exciting" options, according to University Treasurer Scott Lederman. Proposed shops include a kosher meatmarket, a firearms store -- which will feature semiautomatic weapons like the Sigma .40 guns now used by University Police -- and a University-owned alcohol distributor. Sources in the Office of Risk Management said the alcohol distributor would provide "good deals" to fraternities, who are currently complaining that they lack the money to throw open parties. The complex will also feature an additional My Favorite Muffin store, making it the third in a four-block radius. "We know that retailers have no desire to come to Penn," Lederman said, adding that administrators were forced to lure retailers to campus with the promise of "lots of filthy-rich student customers and full tuition benefits for their dependents." The stores will all run on a "cashless" system, allowing students to make all purchases with their PennCards. The retail plan also calls for the elimination of all campus newsstands, including the ever problematic stand at the southeast corner of 34th and Walnut streets. Penn Police will tow the seven newsstands from campus this weekend and administrators will personally heap railroad ties and large piles of sand to prevent the owners from returning. "Who cares that we have no legal right to get rid of the newsstands?" Vice President for Government, Community and Public Affairs Carol Scheman said. "This is Penn -- we can do what we want." And Rodin added that if city officials protest the action, she will enlist the help of Mayor Ed Rendell, "my best friend and confidante." Beginning tomorrow, bulldozers will raze the Hamilton Village shopping center on 40th Street, and replace it with full-scale exercise facilities. But Lederman was quick to point out that the lighted trees recently planted on the block will remain. Additionally, all vending trucks will disappear from campus and will be converted into additional Penn Escort vans, according to Scheman. She explained that administrators want to get rid of the trucks so they can park their cars in the spots.