COLUMN: "Low maintenance in '96!'

From Mike Liskey's "The Road Less Taveled," Fall'96 From Mike Liskey's "The Road Less Taveled," Fall'96Heels, dresses, make-up andFrom Mike Liskey's "The Road Less Taveled," Fall'96Heels, dresses, make-up andbig hair aren't necessary forFrom Mike Liskey's "The Road Less Taveled," Fall'96Heels, dresses, make-up andbig hair aren't necessary fora woman to be beautiful. From Mike Liskey's "The Road Less Taveled," Fall'96Heels, dresses, make-up andbig hair aren't necessary fora woman to be beautiful. Another unseasonably nice day on campus. The sun is out and a warm breeze passes through. While sitting on the grass, I can't help noticing the number of women wearing heels to class. Let's start by talking about pumps or heels. This sadomasochistic ritual goes beyond my understanding. What could possibly be the advantages of walking the slopes of Penn in tight and uncomfortable shoes? Standing on your toes all day can't be pleasant, either. The women who wear these shoes must be showing off those famous Ivy League calves known throughout the nation. They might be trying to get on the inside track for an A in pre-med biology. Instead of pre-med, they might be pre-wed. MRS degrees are difficult work, and a little pain may be required. But why go to all the hassle of wearing heels when tennis shoes or sandals are much more efficient and comfortable? Before your imagination runs wild about how I obtained such first-hand information about heels, I was a powder puff cheerleader in high school and had to be a female character in some undergraduate skits. But heels are only a minor characteristic of "HM." Next on the list is wearing fancy skirts and dresses on campus or to class. Again, who are these women trying to impress? This type of clothing is not very functional. Women can't play frisbee or sit cross-legged in the grass and have lunch while wearing it. Sometimes I see dresses that are so tight, they have to be cutting off their wearer's circulation. The interesting thing about fancy dresses is that they are usually combined with heels. This pairing sends out stronger "HM" signals. A third characteristic of high-maintenance women is make-up. Why do women wear make-up to class? In fact, why do women wear make-up at all? This is the most puzzling question I have ever pondered. The question about the meaning of life shrivels in comparison. Let me start off with the cost. I am amazed by the dollars that are washed down the sink every night by make-up wearers. Maybe the cost of Penn requires student loans regardless of a woman's Maybelline habit. But many women wouldn't have to get that part-time job if they weren't cosmetic junkies. The purpose of make-up is to enhance natural beauty by emphasizing a woman's best features. Most freshmen go too far in their attempt to look like a "woman." During my first days here, I wondered if Penn had started a clown college. The usefulness of make-up must also be questioned. It is too much of a hassle -- putting it on, taking it off, getting it off your clothes. Besides your clothes, it spreads with everything you touch. It is like a germ. If you hug a make-up-wearing friend on campus, you get foundation or blush on you or your collar. If a friend kisses you on the cheek, you get a lipstick tattoo. Lipstick tattoos must be popular because I see them on all the glasses at bars. Another frivolous type of make-up is nail polish; it gets on my nerves more than anything. The smell is the most disgusting part of it; the steam coming from under the sidewalk smells better. As I look at the different colors women wear, I sometimes think they are color blind. They wouldn't drive around in a car of that color, but they do parade the same color around on their body. I left my favorite "HM" trait for last. I call it big-hair syndrome. This is one of the most superficial aspects of women, and as such, an important symbol of "HM." Women don't need to make their hair foofy and have it stand a foot off their heads. The chemicals this teasing requires, particularly hair spray, are another huge waste of money. Hair spray is destroying the ozone, so wear a hat and save the planet! Even better, pull your hair back and put it in a scrunchie or ponytail. (I'll let you women in on a male secret. I may have my membership in the Men's Club suspended, but I need to tell you. Men love women's hair pulled back in a scrunchie. No woman is more attractive than when she is wearing a scrunchie. I'm currently in the process of petitioning the Miss Universe pageant for a fourth event, the scrunchie competition.) The worst women are the ones who satisfy all four high-maintenance characteristics on a daily basis. Something must be done to help those "HM" women. The government must stop trying to find a cure for cancer and find a cure for "HM" instead, as it has reached epidemic proportions. The governor must be notified. President Clinton will surely make Penn a federal disaster area, since it's an election year. Men and women must unite against "HM" because the future of the human race may depend upon it. Women can be low maintenance and beautiful. My new war cry is "Low maintenance in '96!"