The Word on the Game: Penn's Perspective, A one-act play

The Scene: Muffy, a typical Princeton junior, calls her father to ask for a favor. Muffy: Daddy, the Tigers can win the Ivy title this year, and all they have to do is beat Penn. So I want you to make that happen. Daddy: Dear, how can I do that? It's not like getting you into Princeton -- I can't just arrange that. Muffy: Can't you just write a check like you did the last time? Daddy: Muffy, it's not that simple. You see? Muffy: What? You don't love me enough. You're just like Buffy [Muffy's mother]. I will never talk to you again! Daddy: Now calm down, Muff. Maybe the Tigers will beat Penn. Tell me about the team? Muffy: Why? You go to almost all the games. Daddy: Yes, but Carril's offensive puts me to sleep. I try, but I just can't stay up. Muffy: Use a double dose of No-Doz like everyone else. Daddy: That's a good idea, Muff, but getting back to the team... Muffy: Oh yes, we're doing really well Daddy. Really we are. We've won our last 12 Ivy League games. Oh Daddy, you would be so proud of me. Daddy: Of you? How are responsible for the team's success. Muffy: Um?I'm their No. 1 fan. Daddy: Oh? Anyway, Muffy, why are you afraid of playing Penn? Didn't they lose all five of their starters last year to graduation, and didn't we return all of our starters from last season? Muffy: Yes that's true Daddy. It's all true. But that didn't help us the first time we played Penn this season. Oh Daddy, it was just awful. Daddy: What happened dear? Muffy: We lost. There I said it. We lost to those damn Quakers for the seventh straight time. Oh Daddy, we just can't beat them! Daddy: The Quakers must have played way over their heads to beat the Tigers? Muffy: No, Daddy that is not what happened. The Quakers had a positively awful game -- missing 18 foul shots -- and they still beat us. Daddy: But what about that freshman Princeton has -- Brian Earl. Isn't he a good player? Muffy: No, you must be thinking of his brother, Dan Earl of Penn State. Brian Earl positively sucks. Against Penn, he took only four shots the entire game. It looked like he was afraid to shoot. I hope he doesn't choke again like he did the last time. Daddy: But what about Sydney Johnson, Mitch Henderson, Steve Goodrich and Chris Doyal? That's a fine quartet Princeton has there. Muffy: Daddy, you have to remember to renew your eyeglass subscription. These players are missing an ingredient that helps in basketball -- talent. And it's not only that Daddy, but Princeton has a tendency to choke when the pressure is on. Did you see the score of Saturday's Princeton-Columbia game? The worst team in the Ivy League almost beat us. (Muffy starts making a choking noise.) Daddy: Well, who do the Quakers have that is so good? Muffy: Where should I begin? Penn point guard Ira Bowman is probably the best player in the league. Tim Krug and Donald Moxley, who lit us up for 19 points last time, are among the best, too. Oh Daddy, these players on Penn can do something that none of the Princeton Pussycats can? Daddy: What is that dear? Muffy: Play basketball. Daddy: Well my dear Muffy, it seems like Penn is going to beat Princeton on Tuesday, probably by a score of 62-51. Muffy: Isn't there anything that you can do? Daddy: I'm sorry Muffy. Penn is going to win, and there is nothing that Daddy can do. Michael Hasday is a junior political science major from Scarsdale, N.Y., and is the associate sports editor of The Daily Pennsylvanian.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.