IVY ROUNDUP: Villanova Phone Card Edition

It seems as if Carill's boys at Princeton are on a nice little run -- winners of their last 11 Ivy League games and all. But never fear, we here at Ivy Roundup have discovered the Tigers' achilles' heel that will lead to their eventual doom. After combing over the game tapes, player rosters, University phone cards, etc., etc., the crack staff at Roundup has discovered that Princeton sucks. While we're on that subject (you know, basketball), we couldn't resist calling the Brown Daily Herald, and ask them about those golden Bears. If We Had Michael Jordan We Would Kick Some Behind of the Week We here at Roundup have a theory about why the Brown Bears are 9-15 this year -- they suck. But in the spirit (if not the reality) of journalistic integrity, Roundup contacted (using Kerry Kittles phone card) the Brown Daily Herald to find out what they think are the causes the Bears' woes. "The problem is that nobody really emerged that is able to take over the game," said Bill Fiedman, the Brown Daily News basketball writer. "Look at the Chicago Bulls, the reason they're 49-6 is that they have those players. Brown does not." You don't say? He continued: "If we did [have Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen] we'd be on the top of the league." You think? Roundup feels that Dennis Rodman (who would fit right in with the Brown squad) would also be an improvement over James "J.J. Dyn-O-Mite" Joseph and could be quite a boost in the Ivy League. Well, at least Bill has given the Bears' coach some insight on what type of players that they should draft. Maybe if Brown had Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman they would have scored more than 36 points against Princeton. Nah, they probably would also need Toni Kukoc. Anyway, a reliable source tells Roundup that Brown is blaming its 36-point "effort" on the fact that the Tigers would not let the Bears take any warm-up shots. We here at Roundup have another theory to explain the Bears' offensive woes -- they suck. Phobia of the Week Roundup called the offices of The Daily Princetonian (again, courtesy of Villanova sports information) hoping to get some insight on the titanic struggle that is going to occur next Tuesday. Now, one would think that the Tigers would be in the catbird seat since they are up one game in the standings, meaning -- if things hold this way -- Penn will have to beat the striped pussy cats twice in a row next week. (Aside: Roundup has learned that the tiebreaker game will be played at Eisenlohr; so just scale the fence and Judy will take your ticket.) However, Dimitri, the sports editor of The Daily Princetonian, informed us that Princeton is actually scared of Penn. "Princeton always seem to have a phobia playing Penn," the budding scribe said. We here at Roundup have another theory about why the Tigers always lose to the mighty Quakers, and you could probably guess what it is. However, Princeton certainly has its share of phobias -- like shooting the ball before everyone in the stands falls asleep. A Decent Player on Cornell Who is Under 30 Now when you think Cornell basketball, the first thing that comes to your mind is 'Why I am wasting my time thinking about Cornell basketball' or as President Judith Rodin would say, "Get a life." However, the second thing that comes to your mind is Cornell's best player, Eddie Samuel, a Pensacola junior college transfer who is more than half way to qualifying for AARP membership. However, it seems that the Big Red have another diamond in the Ithaca rough in St. Joseph's transfer Alex Compton -- who lit Yale up for 38 points, the third highest total in Cornell hoops history. Not only that, but Compton outscored the entire Yale team until 2:21 in the first half. And wait, there's more -- Compton set a league record for three-pointers with nine. But most surprising: Compton is only 21 years old! Roundup encourages Cornell's recent trend of finding transfers who were not born during the Johnson administration. And they say that the Big Red are desperate. Palestra Renovaters of the Week Yes, Dartmouth has the qualifications. Brick-laying ability -- check. A seven-foot stiff who can paint those hard-to-reach places,and has no future career possibilities -- check. An all-Hanover hero who is good for staff morale -- check. So when you see Seamus Lonergan applying the cement on your way to DRL, don't forget to say, "Hi."