IVY ROUNDUP: New Hampshire Primary Edition

Election fever is hitting Ivy Roundup as we prepare to take that big trip up to Hanover, N.H., to whip Seamus Lonergan's buttocks this weekend. But something else is happening in New Hampshire, though it is of far lesser national importance. Yes, it's primary time in the Granite State, as some old guy is facing some rich guy to see who could challenge some bleached-blonde woman in the fall. But frankly, this election bores Roundup, so we've decided to hold one of our own. So without further ado, here is... The Election of the Week This election is to decide what best describes the man/child/plant that is pictured above right. The choices are: a) Columbia forward Justin Namolik b) Kramer's younger brother c) Sideshow Bob d) a Chia Pet Please fax your ballot to the DP (898-2050). The results will be posted next week. But whatever we decide to call him/it, Roundup definitely feels that Chia Pet (oops, we indicated our favorite) would add something to the Republican field. (We here at Roundup feel that this will change the political debate from the flat tax to the more important issue of flat hair. But then we don't want Jimmy Johnson to join the race.) However, if Chia Pet does not accept the challenge, we have another candidate in mind? The Candidate of the Week Let's begin with the big question entering the Penn-Columbia basketball this past weekend. No, it wasn't who would win. The Lions would lose to a team composed of SCUE all-stars (maybe Soriero should schedule them), and they were easily handled by Ira Bowman, Tim "DP letter writer" Krug and the rest of the boyz at the Palestra, 74-50. The real question, however, was: Where was Ira Bowman's younger brother Claude Crudup? As last reported by Roundup, Columbia guard Claude CrudupEleft the Lions last year six games into the season due to "philosophical differences" with the coach. However, according to a source on the Columbia Spectator, it did not help that Crudop allegedly got into, shall we say, a heated discussion that took on a physical dimension with a fellow Lion. Well, Columbia hired Princeton assistant coach Armond Hill to head the Lions this season, so you figure 'new Coach, new attitude, new chance for Crudup.' Well, it didn't exactly work out that way. According to another Spectator speculator, Crudup again had "philosophical differences" with the new coach which led to a "mutual decision" that Crudup would not be on the team -- and to think, Crudup is listed as a sociology major, not philosophy. Anyway, you have to admire anybody who is smart enough not to play with those lowly Lions, and he definitely has terrific genes, so Roundup declares him as The Candidate of the Week. Moreover, we definitely foresee Crudup continuing his philosophy debate with Coach Hill on a larger stage -- perhaps at the presidential debate in 2020. (We also predict that Penn will be named as an alternate to host that debate). Coach Hill also shows signs of being a future leader himself and, in fact, is? The Politician of the Week This is what Hill said to the refs during the Penn-Columbia game: "There's no hand-checking ref?(and then under his breath) mother @#%$!%s." And at the post-game press conference: "Sure there are home calls and road calls. I know they're trying to be consistent. Maybe it's because I'm down by 15 that I see the calls like that?I'd still bring [the mother #%%$^*5s] home for dinner." And not only does Hill artfully answer questions, but he also has that cheery optimism, perhaps bordering on delusion, that every politician needs. To wit, he ended his press conference by saying, "One of these days, you're going to say to me 'Hey coach, that was a great win.' " Wanna bet? However, even though Crudop, Hill and Chia Pet may be the front runners in election 2020, every election needs a dark horse, and we've got one. Introducing? The Dark Horse of the Week Roundup's dark-horse candidate is Rob Hodgson, who made an appearance on ESPN SportsCenter this past week getting the ball stripped by UConn superstar Ray Allen which led to a Huskies score. Rumor has it that this upset The Long Island Legend so much that he has decided to transfer back to his high school team. Actually, that decision isn't set yet, and he's still pondering it over, but?ahh, the perfect candidate -- he has enough gridlock within himself to put Washington to shame. By the way, don't feel obliged to vote. If this is actually the field in 24 years, Roundup plans to move to Europe and find the answer to a question that has kept us sleepless many a night: How does Eric Moore score 35-points a game?

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