IVY ROUNDUP: Winter Break Re-view

Ah, yes it's that time of year again. Lawn Guylanders are back in West Philly, car thefts are back down to 10 a day, and the little frosh are running, or should I say rushing, about. Yes, the time is now for the never-dull, always thrilling, truly hilarious, Let's-Go-Back-To-Sleep-For-Another-Semester version of Ivy Roundup! Normally this Roundup has absolutely nothing to say, but with bold new leaders at the Pink Palace, we dug deep to extract (from the muck clogging Penn's sewers): The sNOw Show of the Break: After the St. Joe's Hawks took No. 1 UMass into overtime, it snowed. And it snowed. And it snowed. And, surprisingly, it snowed some more. Instead of tanning (read: not drinking, no sir-ee) in New Orleans, we at Roundup decided to chill (absolutely no pun intended) in Philly, just to get a glimpse of how the locals were handling the "Storm of the Century." Those en fuego Hawks were all geared up to host the No. 18 Arizona Wildcats in the Palestra -- well after the airport was reopened and the necessary streets were plowed, of course. Surely enough, the Pussy Cats cancelled the big matchup. Snow was the problem, they said, because, after all, it doesn't snow where they come from (read: they'd lose). Irate, coach Phil Martelli schlepped his team to the Palestra, had them warm up in uniform, create a big scene, then leave. After St. Joe's finished their business against Penn at the Spectrum, Martelli thanked Fran Dunphy, in his own unique way, for showing up. "I'd like to thank Fran Dunphy at the University of Pennsylvania for making a difficult trip down the expressway," Martelli began. "I didn't have any more anger in me -- I didn't know what I would call him [how about Dunphimous?] I used all my names up for, um?what's the guy who coaches Arizona? I can't remember his name." Well, Martelli, his name is Lute Olson. For that matter, the Quakers are all fired up to go beat the living $#!t out of them when they visit next December. After all Martelli, the Big 5 requested that a real team go to make up for Arizona's shunning of Philadelphia. Besides, you Hawks have: The Oldest Band of the Break: As the Quaker faithful cheered at one end of the Spectrum, and the St. Joe's faithful tried to muster up some energy, the Hawks band seemed to be (dare I say) better than Penn's. We Roundup folks looked a little closer, only to realize that the band members were graying, balding, receiving social security, and we think one actually died during the second half. Why the old performers? According to our Roundup undercover sources, their excuse is as follows: 1) They play in a big conference. (It can't be the Atlantic 10, so they must mean the Big 5.) 2) The other schools all have big, tremendous bands. (We believe they were referring to the Quakers band.) 3) No students from St. Joe's tried out for the band. (Surprised? Of course not. They can't read?that's why they're at St. Joe's.) 4) They needed someone. (Supposedly, the Trustees had a little extra money kicking around somewhere.) To sum it all up, they hired ex-jazz greats (presumably named Dizzy and Duke) to put together one damn fine marching band. The Ivy Transaction of the Break: As Jamie Lyren broke his pinky-toe (that's the one that goes to market), this JV phenomenon Garret Kreitz stepped up in a big way. We at Roundup, after consulting with Oliver Stone, realized that there was a conspiracy in progress. Our snoops believe that sometime after the Lyren injury occurred, Yale and Penn made a covert trade. Gabe Hunterton, tired of playing for such a loser squad like Yale, came to Philadelphia bearing the name Garret. Meanwhile, Kreitz cleaned out his locker and became an Eli. (One Roundup source claims the real Kreitz protested the demotion from Penn JV to Yale varsity.) Therefore, Hunterton (a.k.a. Kreitz) has been the outside shooting threat that has put the Red and Blue over the top in recent games. The Man With One Red Shoe of the Week: As Ira Bowman packed his bags in preparation for the trip to the Spectrum, he inadvertently forgot to pack a couple key items. At the game Cedric Laster was wearing bright red shoes on the bench. Any questions? The Secret Sighting of the Week: Mr. Shaun May was sighted this week at Cavanaugh's after the Yale game.