IVY ROUNDUP: Dumbasses abound; Yoda strikes back' Aaaarvard debates

Welcome back to the land of Roundup, where we promise to dig up only the truly important happenings in this Ivy world of ours. We looked high and low, near and far, and we finally found our best stories on the racks in Barnes and Noble in the premiere issue of ESPN College Basketball. Although they basically shut Penn out from every story imaginable, the braintrusts there did know enough to realize that Penn would return to March Madness with the Ivy crown. We didn't get past page 20 before we realized that even a representative from Princeton was mentioned, so we had to name him: Maalox Man of the Week Dr. Pete Carril, the man, the myth, the 30-year legend at Princeton, could probably have been named longest tenure by a mediocre head coach. Those crazy Tigers, however, simply love their Yoda. Anyway, that always-witty ESPN College Basketball magazine decided to name the national best of the bests, and sure enough Carril brought home his own little trophy. Heralded as Best Imitation of Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man, the Wrinkly Old Man was given the Oscar for always wincing, scowling, groaning, bitching and holding his head in his hands during games. In fact, the intelligencia at ESPN claim that he "looks like he'd rather be having a root canal than watch his Tigers screw up." Evidently, Doc (yes, Carril is a doctor) has had much practice watching piss-poor Tigers teams (can you think of any other kind?), so obviously he'd win this title hands-down. We at Roundup decided to call the Jedi Master (let's not forget, the real Yoda lived 900 years), yet his Jedi apprentices (read: jackasses) were already warming up for a hard day of conditioning. "Uh, listen –– you're catching me at a bad time," the Ancient One said. We at Roundup would like to point out we had no intention of catching him, nor throwing him for that matter. Unfortunately, Carril will have to realize that the Force isn't going to beat Penn, or any decent team. With practice starting at only 1:45 in the afternoon, the Old Hag is just setting himself up for extra hours of stomach churning and heartburn. Hey Dr. Carril, maybe some Maalox is just what the doctor ordered. Unfortunately for the entire filthy, smelly state of New Jersey the Tigers' problems don't stop with the basketball team. They have to deal with: The Princeton Dumbass of the Week Princeton football coach Steve Tosches decided to comment on Penn's football team in Sports Illustrated earlier this fall, citing (or was that Penn quarterback Mark DeRosa) how the Quakers have bent the rules, allowing athletes to compete despite poor academic performance. Upon mouthing off for a record 100 godzillionth time, however, Tosches decided to comment on his squad's fine victory over Columbia this past week. "This was midterm week for us," Tosches said. "But yet, they were very attentive, they were full of energy. Probably flunked all their tests." Well, if your head coach thinks you've flunked your tests, then you know he probably recruited some of the biggest dumbasses in America. Who can't pass a Princeton exam anyway? We decided to put Tosches to the test, and contacted his fine (read: sucks) quarterback Brock Harvey to ask him about his fine midterms. "Did you have any midterms this week?" we asked him. "This week? We don't have any school this week," Harvey said. Shocker. Um, look at your calendar again Mr. Brock (no relation to Lou). We asked Harvey (we hate people with two first names) how he did in last week's midterms to see if it affected his game on Saturday. "I have no idea -- I had a bio-chemistry midterm," said Brock. Well, at least he knew what class he was taking. Wait a minute. Last week was midterm week, yet Harvey only took one? Hmmm, a one-class special we guess. So, Tosches, any time you want to take your foot (no not former quarterback Joel "I can't take a snap from center" Foote) out of your mouth, we'll just stick it right back in. The idiocy wasn't isolated to Princeton, unfortunately. This week, we held a competition to name: The Ivy League Dumbass of the Week As the Quakers have ruthlessly dominated opponents week in and week out, the Ivy League seems to have developed a little anti-Penn bias. We pick Jeff Orleans, executive director of the Ivy Group as this week's dumbass because -- well, he is. Ironically, not one Penn football player has been named Offensive/Defensive/Rookie of the Week this season. Miraculously, Penn's Joey Allen was named ECAC defensive player of the week. Oh Jeffrey dearest: FYI -- the Ivy League is a part of the ECAC. Math major or not, you should be able to figure out that the best player in the ECACs is probably the best in the Ivies. At first, Orleans' impotency -- oops, we meant incompetency -- didn't make much sense. The Roundup snoops, however, found the answer to our little problem. Where do you think Dumbass Orleans has his little office? Yep, that's right. Princeton. The Harvard Debate Dork of the Week The focus of this week once again returns to that ESPN College Basketball mag -- er, rag. As they listed the Ivy League's predicted bests, Penn was named best team, Ira Bowman and Tim Krug were named best go-to guys, yet the best debate team was given to Harvard. We decided to call Speech and Parliamentary Debate Team (not Forenzic Debate, or any of the other 10 debate teams at Harvard) head Jonathan Bronsteen in his beautiful Cambridge, Mass., home and talk to him about this stunning prediction. "They did!" the dork blurted out with pure joy. We continued talking with the man who sounds like Pat, and we put him to the test. We at Roundup decided to challenge him to a perennial debate: Which school is better, Harvard or Penn. After being given the subject, Tooltime asked if he could argue on Penn's behalf. In shock, we refuted his bid, so we argued. Here's a sample of the Great Debate: He: "Well, you guys have better athletics because you lower your standards." We: "Well we have better looking women." He: "That's true." Roundup 1, Harvard Debate 0 We: "We heard your debate team lost to Bates last year." He: "That's true." Roundup 2, Harvard Debate 0 We: "Would you transfer to Penn if given the opportunity?" He: "How can I strike things already on the record?" Roundup 3, Harvard Debate 0 -- game, set, match. No doubt about it kiddies, Roundup wins every time. C'mon give us your best shot. Bring it.