COLUMN: Jerry (Springer's) Kids

From Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '95 From Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '95What would I do without my friend Jerry? He entertains me every morning when I'm eating breakfast and occasionally accompanies me before I go to sleep at night. I can hear you asking, "So who is this Jerry fellow?" He's a genius, a comedian and a champion of our society?talk show host Jerry Springer. Jerry entertains us with his witty one-liners, poking fun at the numbskulls sitting on the stage. He aims to be cute and charming, taking a high-and-mighty approach against everything from adultery to pornography to hate crimes. Now I hear that Jerry and other daytime talk show hosts are under fire for having a negative impact on society. What?!? These shows represent the principles upon which America was founded?laughing at morons who are too stupid to realize that they're morons. These programs provide entertainment to people like me whose life is simply too plain and boring. My father is not also my brother-in-law. My cousin is not a transsexual who likes to dress up in a Superman suit. Daytime talk shows are about normal people watching abnormal people act abnormally. Don't get me wrong, I find nothing funny about laughing at people with psychological problems. But the people who sit on the stage are not mentally challenged, they're idiots plain and simple. Critics charge that these programs improperly influence America's youth. If the children of our society watch an episode of Jerry Springer and decide they want to become transvestite prostitutes to help pay their way through college, then America does not have a bright future anyway. I'll concede that Hollywood may glamorize violence. Stallone and Van Damme movies certainly make bloodshed look like an appropriate means of solving problems. In the end, the hero always wins and often has the villain's head hanging in his living room. Children could definitely get the idea that violence is the answer to all their dilemmas. But to say that a youngster will want to father children in all 50 states after watching some sleazeball on a daytime talk show is ridiculous. The guests are never treated seriously. Springer will often take a cheap shot at some adulterous hillbilly and basically humiliate him in front of the entire country. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to believe that the people who go on these programs are not an accurate cross-section of American society and that their behavior should not be condoned in the least bit. Most of us have more than two teeth, do not sleep with our girlfriend's fourteen year-old cousin and are not Nazi extremists. The guests on these talk shows are freaks and that's why they're so entertaining to watch. We watch them, not to mimic them, but to say, "Hey, I've had a bad day. But at least I'm not as screwed up as that guy." Look at the people on the stage. The only time you'll ever run into someone like that is in an Arby's in rural West Virginia. Jerry and company treat their guests with the reverence they deserve by completely making fun of them. Then the host throws the microphone to some intelligent member of the studio audience who makes some clever comment like, "I wish you'd bring your sorry ass down here so I could beat some sense into you." Any time someone on the stage tries to garner audience support by saying something like, "Hey, if you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family," they are met by loud boos and jeers from the crowd. And at the end of each program, Springer takes about five minutes to explain why all these people are lunatics. As if that's not enough, he signs off the show with, "Take care of yourself?and each other." How touching. Most of these programs deal with issues so strange, so ridiculous, that most of us will never be faced with them in our lifetimes. The talk shows deal with subjects that aren't even close to affecting 99 percent of America's youth. That's why they're so entertaining; we can watch these programs without having to worry about any of these things happening to us. Immoral guests are treated like performers in a three-ring circus and are entirely looked down upon by the host, the audience and the viewers. Their inappropriate actions are never condoned in the least bit. So critics can complain as much as they want?if you need me I'll be watching Springer in my room.