KAELIN SAYS: DP Swamis

In case you have not heard, this guy, who is often described as a refreshing citrus beverage, was found not guilty by a jury of his admirers, err?peers. Through journalistic inference, we Swamis believe that this jury must have consisted of speed readers -- how else could they get through of thousands of pages of transcripts in four hours. Anyway, although we, the turban headed freaks, have a better record of predictions than a certain fella named Nostradamus, we were a bit surprised at the non-guilty verdict. We were fairly certain it would end in a hung jury -- but apparently the rumors that Rob Hodgson was on the jury were untrue. However, always wanting to get behind the headlines, we Swamis intended to ride our magic carpets to Mr. Simpson's (that's the former salesman's name) house and ask him directly about his innocence or guilt. But, as luck would have it, our carpets were at the cleaners, so we had to use the telephone instead. Although we predicted that our subject would not be listed in the phone book (he is after all, a semi-celebrity), we were mistaken. There was a "Y. Simpson" listed in the Brentwood phone book (obviously Orenthal was trying to fool the media with the "Y" ruse). Unfortunately, we only got his answering machine: "Hi, this is Yvette... If your looking for O.J. this is not the place. Neither is he a relative of mine... Don't call back." Ah, the ruse continues. We hear that Mr. Simpson could not take the phone because he was out buying a new pair of socks and gloves (uh, ma, I, um, misplaced them, yeah, that's it.) Thus, in last resort, we tried to contact Mr. Simpson's housemate, Kato Kaelin. But that proved hard to do -- apparently his acting talents have made him a big celebrity, now as well. However, we Swamis feel very fortunate that at least we were able to contact Kato's cousin, Kathryn. And we feel extra-fortunate that Kathryn obliged us as our celebrity-guess swami. Apparently, Kathryn has the brains in the family, as she picked Penn to defeat Columbia, 24-7. Her other picks were Lafayette, Cornell, Brown and Holy Cross. Oh yeah, one more thing she wanted with our readers -- O.J was actually guilty! Our dear friend Kathryn, "The Juice"may be loose, but you're in the running for guest Swami of the year.