IVY ROUNDUP: Hurlbut plays stat doctor; Hetherington plummeting

Mayday! We here at Ivy Roundup, having established ourselves here at Penn, feel confident in making fun of everything in the small world of Ivy football. After a long and harrowing search, we've dug deep into the archives and found that this week's real humor lies west of the Ivies. So without further adieu, welcome to the Brad "Wildcat Assman" Hurlbut edition of Ivy Roundup. Yes, we've brought back the famed Penn Sports Information -- Athletic Communications, pardon us -- director to take a look at all that's happened in the Ivy League this week. Is someone asking why? Well, Hurlbut got his name in papers all over the country in this week's: Goddamn Disgrace of the Week So this isn't Big Ten Roundup. Sue us. This week, we begin in the pseudo-Ivy capital of the world, lovely Evanston, Ill. Evanston is home to the newly resurgent Northwestern Wildcat football team as well as our buddy Brad. At the Associated Press, our friends were kind enough to send us this juicy tidbit: Northwestern running back Darnell Autry appeared to have his streak of 100-yard games ended at seven against Wisconsin on Saturday. But Monday, Hurlbut -- erroneously identified as "Hurlbutt" by the AP -- changed what had been ruled a pass to a run, putting Autry over the 100-yard mark. What happened was this: The disputed play was a throw from quarterback Steve Schnur (not to be confused with UA Treasurer, SAC Steering Committee member, PennWatch Treasurer, College sophomore and Daily Pennsylvanian sports writer Steve Schorr) to Autry. The stat crew thought it was a forward pass; Hurlbut thought it was a lateral and changed it. It seems we have found a new level of home field advantage. Hurlbut, though, seems to be an advantage himself. He seems to have brought Penn's football success with him to the Big Ten. Mr. Hurlbut's as surprised as anyone, having left the hustle and bustle of the Ivy League for more laid-back losers at Northwestern. Penn, it seems, was a mecca of sports info activity. "It's been really exciting," Hurlbut said. "I thought I was busy at Pennsylvania. I don't get to see much but the inside of my office. I'm here from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m." He expects a relaxing break, though, when Ricky Byrdsong and his losing freaks hit the hardwood in November. "The thought of basketball turns my stomach," the great one said. Heisman Watch of the Week After Yale quarterback Chris Hetherington's mind-boggling season-opening performance against Brown, the entire city of New Haven, Conn., was abuzz with talk of the Heisman Trophy returning to the Yale Bowl for the first time since Clint Frank snagged it in 1937. The numbers were striking: 17 of 30 for 223 yards, 21 carries for 166 yards. Since then, though, Hetherington has been, shall we say, less than impressive: steadily declining passing numbers, mediocre rushing numbers. Of course there is an explanation. Hetherington missed last week's Dartmouth game with a rotator cuff injury and is questionable for this week's Penn game. Or so we hear from a certain Mr. Al Bagnoli. "Yale had some injuries, and you guys should be checking if their quarterback is going to be playing," Bagnoli said. "We need some help on these things." Certainly, Al. We here at Roundup are happy to oblige. We promptly checked with our sources deep within the Yale football program, who were quite forthcoming. "As far as I know he's doubtful," our source said. "He's still listed as doubtful. I think its actually pretty unlikely that he'll play." So there you have it, Mr. Bagnoli. Well, even if he plays, the Heisman watch has pretty much abated, according to our friends at Yale. And if he doesn't, then a tip o' the Rollie Finger hat. ESPN Loser of the Week We have in our hands here at Roundup a fax from one Chris Berman of a certain cable network based in Bristol, Conn. Let it be said that we do not mean to be pejorative when we point out that Berman went to Brown. Said fax, dated Oct. 25, 1994, states: "Okay, so you skunked us 24-0. Give us a couple years." Memo to Mr. Berman: Your situation has not improved. Your beloved Bears got their butt kicked worst this year than last year. It's going to take a hell of a lot more than a "couple" years to turn the pathetic imitation football team known as Brown around. Sneeringly, Ivy Roundup. Hoops! Hoops! Hoops! It's never too early to talk Ivy League basketball recruiting. And no, we're not talking about Rob Hodgson. Actually, we have some actual news about an actual player who is actually considering attending actual Ivy League schools. His name? Mason "Chief" Rocca, a 6-foot-7 underweight power forward with an outside shot -- the typical Ivy League player. According to our source at The Evanstonian, the Evanston Township star has already visited Harvard -- where he stayed with Darren Rankin, a close second to Dartmouth's Chris Butler in Ivy Roundup's "Ugly Hoopster of the Year" competition last year -- and Princeton. He is also looking at Dartmouth (no word on whether he will stay with Butler), Yale and our beloved Quakers. "He's awesome," our Evanstonian source said. "He's an all-around ballplayer. He can run the floor, he can post up. He's pretty tough. He'll be able to handle himself in the middle." "He" is currently "whooping some ass" in the soccer playoffs, according to our source. Hurlbut said he hadn't seen Rocca play, but said he heard Rocca's "the real deal." One more thing: Brown sucks. Wouldn't be Roundup if we didn't say so. And Berman: The real Swamis are not amused. And by the way kids, break the code.

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