Stetson: no more Lawn-Gylanders

The Class of 1999 is going to be noticeably different from any other freshman class, as a result of strict orders from Admissions Dean Lee Stetson. In a multi-paged memo obtained by the Daily Pennsylvanian from a source in College Hall, Stetson ordered his admissions officers to avoid accepting too many students from specified geographic regions. On the top of his list of specified states were New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania. "These states are over-represented at this University," he said in the memo. "So please avoid accepting too many applicants from these regions, no matter how qualified they are." Stetson would not comment on the record about this last night. However, off the record he admitted he sent the memo. "Yeah, I sent it," he said. "There are just too many people here from Long Island. I can't take it any more. Everywhere I go I hear that annoying accent. Tawk, cawfee -- it's enough to drive a person batty. "Then, a few months ago, I realized I could do something about it. I was sitting in my office naked staring into space when it suddenly occurred to me. I said to myself, 'wait a minute Lee, you big stud -- that's what I like to call myself when I am alone -- you're the one who let these people in -- you can control this situation!' "So I decided to tell my officers to try and take more students from nice states - like Iowa for example," he added. "People from Iowa are nice. They like cows, I like cows-- we'll get along just fine." But Syosset High School senior and University applicant Rachel Cohen-Schwartzenbaumowitz said she was "like totally totally shocked." "Like, oh my gawd," she said. "I'm all vechlempt. I am going to tell daddy."