IVY ROUNDUP: Kentucky needs new wildcat; Big Red lying cheats

and Jed Walentas Are you like us? Did you abandon your fall Ivy League champion Quakers last weekend so you could camp out at the Palestra for your winter Ivy League champion Quakers? If you did (and you better have), it doesn't make you a bad person. After all, we here at Roundup did the same. (In fact, we were the real loud freaks ringing the cow bell incessantly -- our apologies, but get used to it.) Don't fret, because we of the Roundup clan have not dropped the proverbial ball. But before the football festivities commence, the Roundup legal office has a little disclaimer to make. You see, there's been some confusion regarding our esoteric writings and a fine garden product you may have seen commercials for recently. Roundup Herbicide is a registered trademark of Monsanto Company, but Ivy Roundup (that's us) is a registered trademark of Swamis, Inc. We just want you to know when weeding your way through Ivy Roundup (yours truly) you do not have to "avoid contact with foliage, green stems, or fruit of crops, desirable plants and trees." That stuff is all for the green thumbs at Penn. And for you Red and Blue thumbs, one other thing: The quotes that have amused you in lecture halls before and those that will amuse you in today's classes are real. Roundup operators diligently work the phones day and night to provide sufficient entertainment in the dreaded halls of Stiteler, Towne and Steinberg-Dietrich (especially room 105). That having been cleared up, it's time for some football. So, away we go, with a sense of a risque Week 6 on the Ivy gridiron. · Penis of the Week Now with former Brown quarterbacks Bill Pienias and Trevor Yankoff (you just can't make up stuff this good) still fresh on your minds, you probably thought this was the Brown segment of the show. Wrong. There is no need for a Brown segment because it sucks. After getting "whippled" by the Quakers 24-0, the Bears have now gone five years without scoring against Penn in Providence. This is the Ivy spotlight. Larry Ivy, that is. The associate athletic director at Kentucky. It seems that Ivy (whose parents were apparently faithful Ivy Roundup readers) and the rest of UK's athletic officials may have bitten off more than they can chew. After eight years of silence, fans in Lexington have become disturbed by the looks of their favorite pussy. Is it us, or does the Wildcat's rolled tongue remarkably resemble a penis? It ain't us, because enough fans have called about the phallic feline to get Kentucky to change the Wildcat's appearance. "We thought it was just a joke initially, but we've had more than one call and we took it seriously and decided to make a change," Ivy said. "We do want the Wildcat to still be able to roar. The roar just won't roll off its tongue like it used to." Apparently, the news has affected all of campus. Ivy confirmed for us that Kentucky hoops star Rodrick Rhodes missed his first two jumpers after hearing the news. We hope he can get it (the ball, you perverts!) up for the upcoming season opener. We here at Roundup wanted to check on potential wildcat ramifications closer to home, so we looked in on our neighbor Wildcats at Big 5-killing Villanova. Roundup correspondents have learned 'Nova is in fact unveiling a brand new Wildcat at Friday's Midnight Madness festivities. Let's hope the kitten is in good taste. Let it be known this entire fiasco could have been avoided had Kentucky listened to Roundup etiquette experts. How many times did we tell that stupid cat not to roar with its mouth full? But at least we have finally figured out why we are the Quakers -- who can a Quaker offend? · Big Red Masturbation of the Week Oh yeah, football. We have not forgotten. Just a little tired from our camping expedition on 33rd Street. When we got back to reality, we here at Roundup were shocked and appalled to see Cornell ranked No. 25 in the Sports Network I-AA poll. And even worse, someone had given them a first-place vote. Even the Quakers, at No. 13, did not get a first-place vote. Is it us, or did the Quakers get shunned? Roundup sleuths got on the horn to get to the bottom of this great miscarriage of justice. Roundup asks you: What would Lance Ito say about this travesty? Without the likes of Robert Shapiro and Alan Dershowitz to save him, Cornell coach Jim Hofher, well, how can we say -- he lied. The man actually lied to Roundup investigators, the sole remaining bastions of honesty in pigskin journalism. The conversation went something like this? Roundup: Who at Cornell has a vote? Hofher: I personally don't know. It's done through our sports information office. So, Roundup telecommunications called sports information director Dave Wohlhueter? Roundup: Who at Cornell has a vote? Woody (close enough, right?): The football staff is in charge of that. Roundup: Coach Hofher said that was your responsibility. Woody: Somebody's lying to you. The first-place vote came from the football office. Well, Mr. Hofher. It seems that you, like the Kentucky Wildcat, got a bit tongue-tied. How could you give yourself a first-place vote when you know the Quakers are going to rout the Big Red Nov. 19? But as long as you got some pleasure out of it, who are we to judge? We here at Roundup would never interfere in someone's private activities. · Impotent Fourth-Quarter Offense of the Week And the winner is?for the fourth time this season?the Big Green of Dartmouth. That's right, kids, the jolly green scrubs are at it again with their let's-put-ourselves-in-a-position-to-win-and-then-find-a-new-way-to-lose act. It's getting old, guys. But don't get us wrong -- we here at Roundup will still mock you. What made this week's Big Green premature ejaculation special was it didn't even have to overcome Ren "boy, I'm an easy target" Riley at quarterback. While the pretty-haired one sat out with his wrist in nine pieces and his green thumb on ice, Dartmouth gave away a game to first-place vote-getting SUNY-Ithaca. With three minutes left and a four-point lead, Dartmouth wideout Andre Grant caught a pass and headed for the promised land. But in a not-at-all-surprising turn of events, a Big Red cornerback stripped the ball from Grant at the 3-yard line. Andre did or did not have money on Cornell? You decide. Cornell then went 97 yards for the winning touchdown in the last minute. Another pathetic Big Green joke. Yawn. · Columbia Win of the Week Before we sign off, we wanted to tell you Columbia beat Yale in New Haven, 30-9. And thus our shocking news -- next week against Princeton, the Sky Blue Panzies will have a winning record at their homecoming for the first time since the wheel was invented. Wow. The wheel's real old.