DP SWAMIS; October 7, 1994

Surely, come tomorrow, we will be calmed not only by our beloved Quakers, but also by a special Swami thank you that will be issued by the world's greatest band come halftime. In more good news, former Grandswami Longhorn makes his return to West Philly, the Pink Palace and the Palestra of football fields, Franklin Field that is. Having been cheered up considerably, we Swamis decided to hit the road and try to learn a little bit more about this weekend's Ancient Eight gridiron action. Due to a northerly breeze, we were forced to take off from the 33rd Street runway, the very sight where our inevitable Ivy League champion Quakers will destroy those religious zealots from Worcester, Mass. The Swami clan huddled, rubbed our crystal balls, donned our turbans, boarded our rugs and took off for -- you guessed it -- the Vatican. Although we did rack up plenty of frequent flier miles, the Omniscient Octagon's preeminent pigskin prognosticators were shunned by the Pope. He claimed he had more important things to do than give his opinion on the Crusader quarterbacking dilemma. We Swamis cannot imagine what could be more important, but nonetheless left the pompous pontiff, grabbed a cannoli, and got on with our voyage. With a solid tailwind, we made good time en route to the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints. When is Latter Day anyway? It wasn't on our Swami calendar. We were warmly greeted in Salt Lake City by Jenny, who after consulting with her colleagues, concluded the Quakers would prevail. Them Mormons ain't as dumb as their commercials. "I'll take Penn, although I don't know much about the Ivy League," the friendly Ute said. Since she refused to comment on the rest of the action that will take place in the Ancient Eight this weekend, we reboarded our carpets and went all the way to the city that never sleeps. When you talk about religion in Gotham, you talk about none other than John Cardinal O'Connor. Although the good Cardinal was out of town -- Swami intelligence learned he was leading Buddy Ryan in prayer -- we were able to get in touch with his communications director, Joseph. Big Joey pretty much defined idiocy, in our humble opinion. "I like Holy Cross," the great communicator said in all his almighty ignorance. He also picked Lafayette, Fordham, Princeton, Yale and Harvard. Of course, even if he is right with the other five, we Swamis all know that doesn't make him any less of an jerk. Upon our arrival back in West Philly, after botched landings at Wade's Pastor Prayer Room and Dunfee Ministries (Fran, we had no idea), we were a little low on fuel. So, like any Swami would do, we stopped off at Murph's. Unfortunately, Murph himself was out of town on business (one of them beer-tasting conventions), so he was unable to enlighten us with his eternal wisdom. See ya in Church.