COLUMN: Coming Soon?

From Jillian O'Connor's "You're Nothing But A Pack of Cards!," Fall '94 (Alas, the poor thing hadn't been getting enough air those days, all cooped up in the house and all, which was why I had ridden it to campus anyway.) I was about to tell my new acquaintance, Officer Friendly, exactly what I thought of his unsolicited advice when I was nearly hit by a glorified toy truck (one of those Daihatsu things that look like they really belong in an FAO Schwarz automotive section for rich kids with a penchant for Monster Trucks), captained by an also rather small Physical Plant worker. While I was bemoaning my own suddenly imperiled pedestrian fate, I noticed that there wasn't just one of these just outright weird modes of transport buzzing up and down the walk, but about ten! It then became clear – the University wasn't trying to ban bikes because of any potential damage to Locust Walk pedestrians, but because they are really hatching a plot with the Physical Plant workers to get more Daihatsus on the Walk. I really do feel that this move toward a diminutive Schuylkill Expressway on the Walk is extremely ill-advised. There's a practically infinite number of alternative transportation modes the University is wholly ignoring by this sudden bizarre devotion to the advancement of mini-trucks. Yes, Daihatsus are indeed an extremely attractive option, and the drivers do always look sublimely cool, but a good Locust conveyor belt would be both a boon to our 27 a capella groups, and a more direct route to the only MAC machine located in a Penn academic facility. (We can, of course, withdraw cash from a University building at any time during the weekend – books, however, are a different story.) Another good alternative would be to have a Wedway People Mover, just like the one in Disneyworld, installed on our very own Locust Walk! Unlike with the previous option, we could sit, relax, and sort of couch-potato our way to class. The starting point would be at the former Chez Boccie, and there students would be told not to ride if they were pregnant, or had a heart or lung condition, or had ever had minor to serious back problems. Those so restricted by health could remain at the starting point until their companions return from class, and in the meantime, browse the exhibit "Locust Stretch: When Bikes Rode the Walk." But what about the numerous aquatic options? A DRL Ferry would not be a bad idea - if, of course, we could talk the University into just building a few artificial waterways here and there. That would be just the channel for the achievement of an almost European flavor, which would of course help us attract those much needed international students. Why, with waterways we could even have a gondola option, complete with McGinn gondoliers! Got a few (quite a few) extra bucks to spare? Hop a gondola at Billybob's and take it to 36the Canal! Forget developing that intensely rigorous "Penn-in-Venice" program. This could work so well, we could probably even start referring to ourselves in our ultra-glossy application brochures as "Pennice" – but that might be a bad idea. The University could really maintain its groundbreaking reputation if it would just sink a few extra dollars into actually converting the High Rises into permanent structures and slinging up some cables to the Rooftop Lounges to accommodate the new Penn Cable Cars with direct service to the Penn Tower Hotel. (With this option we'd have increased access to the all-new and exciting restaurant/bar, PT's - "The Gathering Place at Penn" according to the latest entry in "The Coupon Clipper Magazine" saga.) After that 9 a.m. lecture at the Museum, or perhaps that raging night at PT's, wouldn't it be nice to have a direct ride to the twenty-fifth floor of East? Unfortunately, the University may not be as enthusiastic as we are about all of these possibilities, so we will have to humor them about this Daihatsu thing for a while. And there is the small chance that they're actually depleting our student bicycle traffic so their power Tonka trucks can zip by uninterrupted – I could never believe, though, that the University would feel student needs and convenience are second to the speedy movement of various staff vehicles on the Walk. The University, of course, would not be to blame. Bike traffic is just so much more trouble on a pedestrian walkway than are TRUCKS. Regardless, the University will surely remember an off-campus kid's got to get to class somehow. If not, there's no precedent banning pogo-sticks. Jillian O'Connor is a senior English major from Boston, Massachusetts. will appear alternate Mondays.