COLUMN: 13 Things that Went Right in 1993

From Rob Faunce's "With Bells On," 'Fall 94 From Rob Faunce's "With Bells On," 'Fall 941994. Another year closer to Armageddon. Just kidding. Actually, it means we've made another year historical. Encyclopedia Brittanica can charge forty bucks for a concise version of what we lived through these past few days and weeks. So, here is my "Top thirteen things I'm grateful for from 1993" list: 13. Clinton. Hip. Happening. Hair. And her husband's okay, I guess. Hill. Her nickname is even geologically correct! I love Hillary. Honest. But, I do have a weakness for those Hillary jokes that go around Steinberg-Dietrich like insider tips from Father's broker. However, the Chelsea-bashing has got to go. Have some standards, please. 12. The Last Action Hero. Remember that way-cool MTV personality Dan Cortese in those groovy Burger King commercials? He said, "I think it's the biggest movie of the summer!" I say, gee, Dan, do you think Burger King picked the wrong summer movie for its marketing blitz? Can you say "Dino-burgers"? McDonald's did. I'm glad I have stock in "Ronald McDonald's Jurassic Playland." 11. Michael Jordan's retirement. He was a great player with a marketable smile. Big deal. Sorry about his dad, but life goes on. Those gambling allegations never did go away, though. Hmmmm..... 10. "Creep", by Radiohead. What a lyrical delight! "I wish I was special / So very special /But I'm a creep / I'm a weirdo." I haven't identified with a song so much since "Baby Got Back." But I digress. And that lead singer's hair was just too cool for words. I don't think MTV played the video enough, though... 9. Senator Bob Packwood. What's all the commotion, anyways? This man keeps a diary. How much more sensitive do you get? We should all be as in touch with our feminine sides (and feminine fronts and backs) as Senator Bob. 8. Susan Powter's "Stop the Insanity" infomercial, book, marketing blitz, and haircut. Okay ... it's 3 a.m. and on your television is this leotard-clad, white-haired energetic fire ball of man-bashing, dieting prowess yelling about food labels, Suzanne Somers, and her ex-husband. Of course, she's now a millionaire, but behind Susan's tough-girl image, she just wants to be loved. I love you, Susan ... but I love Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough far, far more. 7. Talk Soup Why watch Jenny Jones' breast implants for a whole hour when you can catch them on Talk Soup? Greg Kinnear is simply brilliant, but the production staff must be insane. Can you imagine watching talk shows all day? How far can standards of human decency be lowered? Ask Geraldo. 6. The marketing division at Calvin Klein. For the men, we have Kate Moss, the ten year old topless waif. For the OTHER men, we have Marky Mark, the misunderstood lyrical poet. He's a homophobe, but he keeps showing his Wahlberg to the gay world. Thank you, Mark: it's not your mind I'm interested in, anyways. 5. MTV News. Tell me: would you rather see Peter Jennings talk to Janet Reno about freedom for Haitian boat people or Tabitha Soren talk to Bill himself about freedom for James Brown? They get the scoop, they have their priorities straight. Tab, Kurt, and Allison have better wardrobes than network correspondents, too. Would you rather dress like Cokie Roberts? 4. "Wacky Wacko Waco." Admit it: you thought David Koresh was the Son of God, too. He could have passed for a Messiah in New Hampshire. And we Catholics liked him; he had that "savoir-faire" with children that many of our holy men seem to have. Oh well, all good things must come to an end! Too bad Dave was a literal kinda guy... 3. The March on Washington. A million oppressed, repressed, occasionally depressed fags, dykes, queens, queers, and weirdos all on America's front lawn. If it weren't real, it could have been a Jesse Helms acid-induced hallucination. 2. PENN. ... the school that took me and my SAT scores in when the rest of the Ivy League laughed my applications off-campus. The fact is, we can't be second-tier; Cornell is still an Ivy, isn't it? 1. Murphy's Tavern. Rob Faunce is a freshman undeclared major from Manchester, New Hampshire. With Bells On will appear alternate Wednesdays.