COLUMN: Eat (unsalted foods), Drink (off-campus), and be Merry (at 21)

From Adam Scioli's "The Old Boys' Club," Fall '93 From Adam Scioli's "The Old Boys' Club," Fall '93The Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs, with its overzealous drafting of codes of conduct for campus fraternities, has sealed the fate of Penn's pathetic social scene, placed the safety of all Penn students in jeopardy, and ultimately further segregated the student body. What exactly does the Administration hope to accomplish by actually enforcing its new rules and regulations? Student welfare? Adherence to the law? Dozens of students are driving downtown, getting liquored-up, and swerving back to campus. After all, it's a clear shot down Spruce Street, right? It seems to me that by now everyone should have figured out that college students, whether they be of legal age or not, are going to find a way to drink alcohol, and drink it rather heavily. Even back in my precious high school days at Georgetown Prep, if anyone asked an upperclassman the content of a can of Milwaukee's Best, he would hear the answer, "water, barley, corn, yeast, and hops," rattled off more quickly than the response my chemistry teacher received when he asked that same student the content of water. My point is that if they're going to drink, it had better be on campus where the environment is at least familiar and the cops give a shit what happens to the students. Try to picture yourself as the poor sonofabitch who walks up to the front door of a fraternity party only to be turned away in front of hundreds of your peers on the grounds that you're just not cool enough to be placed on the guest list. How cruel. Where will you go then? Can't get past me at the door of Smoke's with that Macintosh fake of yours. Better start your trek up to 44th and Spruce – a real safe walk. While you walk to Murph's, think about what this does to our "community." As you pass 42nd Street, a select "elite" are in a cab making their way downtown. They can afford the fare there and back, pay a cover charge, and buy over-priced drinks, weekend after weekend. If the administration is concerned about a lack of diversity within campus fraternities, then it need only to send one of its "party monitors" to a typical off-campus soiree at Ulana's. Witness the non-salty snacks, the mutli-colored ID bracelets, and the oh so very diverse crowd – I think every prep school in New York is represented. Even the most air-tight conscientious group of fraternity fellows are having a hell of a time following the guidelines to the letter. They are absolutely expected to follow all the rules: guest lists, drink tickets, costly bracelets, professional "TIPS" trained bouncers, post-grad bartenders, non-salted foods. Just ask PiKA or Theta Xi what happens – fines, probation or even suspension. Give me a break! These rules are so ridiculous. It is obvious that they were made to be broken. This is quite a set 'em up and knock 'em down operation the Administration has engaged in. Why would anyone bother with these rules? Find your own damn salted foods if you're hungry you ingrates! Isn't it enough that they put you on their guestlist? Wait, you're not on the guestlist. How did you get in here? Chalk up a violation. No, there is something else going on here. More deeply rooted than just concern for safety or adherence to state liquor laws. These party guidelines are a dramatic extension of the pervasive agenda to permanently rid the campus of all dominant, white male enclaves. Are we really to believe that this Phaup could ever truly have the interests of the college man, let alone frat boys, at heart? No, it seems to me that there exists a fundamental conflict between Phaup and what she perceives to be the threatening white male elite. She has done nothing to promote the well-being and social health of fraternities. It pains me to continually see people like Phaup infiltrate University positions and use their power to advance personal ideals so antithetical to what they preach. Such left-wing hypocrites are now practicing exactly what they accuse conservatives of. They are placing the interests of the few above the interests of the whole. In this case, it is obvious that the welfare of "minority" groups supercedes that of the equally human, tuition paying fraternity members. How is the DuBois House any less restrictive than a fraternity? Why attack one entity without questioning the legitimacy of the other? From any angle this is nothing less than a double standard. This ever-present theme of attempting to diversify the University community has proven time and again to be more of a calculated cleansing of ideas and actions, leaving a University where balkanized divisions are far more prevalent than harmonious gatherings of separate souls. One need only eat lunch in the Commons to see that Penn is far from racially integrated. Then we have dirtbags turning the screws even harder by dialing prominent blacks on campus and calling them "niggers," quite an intelligent dialogue. But is it any surprise that this is what it has come to? Certainly not. Declare war on Phaup, fraternity members, as she has done to you! You must unite and vow to stand up for what you know in your hearts fraternities stand for – brotherhood, fidelity, male bonding, togetherness, compassion, and drinking. Adam Scioli is a senior Political Science major from Rockville, Maryland. The Old Boys' Club appears alternate Thursdays.