COLUMN: Ban the Bans

From Arne Thommessen's Hear Me Now, Believe Me Later," Fall '93 From Arne Thommessen's Hear Me Now, Believe Me Later," Fall '93The God-blessed States of America is busy cashing in on its peace dividend in Somalia, imposing the new world order on the grateful residents at the Horn of Africa. On the home front, there is little order, but much new imposing. In few places is this more apparent than at the University of Pennsylvania. In addition to the well wishers, there are the wishful thinkers. Wishful thinkers haveproposed to ban the ROTC and more or less exile all straight, white and two-balled creatures from the sacred Locust Walk, the mother of all walks. Fortunately, the wishful thinkers are more vocal than powerful. Their proposals are still circulating in Penn's massive hierarchy of obscure committees where words are in abundance, but action is scarce. Penn's administration is a living example of what happens when a pool of employees is collectively promoted beyond their level of competency. They do not know what to do, but they know they have to do something to justify their presence. One of their latest attempts to ban a perfectly legitimate activity is the renaming of "Locust Walk" to "Locust Walk Your Bike." Unsurprisingly, Locust Walkers were better off without the administration's peculiar interpretation of law and order. Whenever a biker got too close, I would plant a pointed elbow in his rib cage, and pretend I was sorry. I could handle them one on one, but after the ban, they joined forces. Instead of the customary lone wolf bicyclist, 70 pedaling maniacs came roaming through campus to terrorize unsuspecting pedestrians. Even my Wharton elbows fall short. The police probably do not feel too happy about the ban either. Being ordered to politely request students to step down from their bikes can hardly be described as a powerful booster for their self confidence. They probably feel as stupid as I felt during my stellar military career when I was supposed to order soldiers not to throw away inedible food in the mess. Meanwhile, the cook slipped through the back door with prime chunks of stolen dolphin and whale meat. There are more important aspects in life than biking on Locust Walk. Drinking on Locust Walk is one such thing. According to Vice Provost for University Life Kim Morrison, the decision to ban outdoor alcohol serving at the Palladium "is a consistent application of University policy." Never mind that the only consistent application of this University policy has been its consistent inconsistency. During senior week, I had the honor of witnessing rampant drinking and drunken-driving students all the way from Steinberg Dietrich to 40th street. The Palladium terrace, however, was as deserted as the Iraqi army. The well-dressed contingent of Eurofags had departed to pursue their favorite outdoor activities – scamming and drinking. How, I wonder, can a Vice Provost for University Life do so much to stifle University life? Never in the history of Pennkind have so few anal retentive administrators done so much to piss off so many. Apparently some places along Locust Walk are more outdoors than others. Untrained spectators might mistakenly consider the grad students chugging beer on the Meyerson Hall terrace to be outside. However, such an observation would not be consistent with University policy and must thus be wrong. More regulations do not necessarily lead to better control. Anybody with a certain presence of mind will know that students will find ways to drink regardless of salty food restrictions. The absence of decent fraternity parties has torn down barriers of entry to the benefit of competing parties off campus. Beyond the reach of the University's Alcohol and Drug Task Force, students drop acid, smoke pot, and drink themselves as drunk as ever before. If the University really were concerned about students' safety, it would encourage, not discourage underage drinking on campus. After all, the 21 year age limit was imposed by a bunch of wasted senators and a half senile President in order to prevent drunk driving. The University would thus be consistently adhering to the intention of the law. Dead drunk freshmen would not be scattered around West Philly and the inactive police officer on Locust Walk would see something else than squirrels squirrel by. Banning is just bad policy. Bans invite calls for counter bans. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Association head and wishful thinker Jodi Bromberg wants to ban the ROTC because they pseudo ban homosexuals. Fortunately, the University administration is not as consistent in its discrimination policy as it is with its alcohol policy. Personally, I see no problem with gays in the military. The Norwegian army allows, or rather forces, every fit male regardless of sexual preference to join the army. In spite of this, I never witnessed any obscene sexual orgies during my service in Norway's hostile polar environment. This might be contributed by the fact that it is too cold to think about erecting anything but the tent. Besides, the sleeping bags were too small for more than one soldier standing at attention. Gay U.S. soldiers had more opportunities in the hot and steamy jungles in Vietnam. Nonetheless, Bromberg should be applauded for focusing on sexual discrimination at Penn. Heterosexual students are consistently discriminated against by the straightophobic Office of Residential Living. Gay couples are having the time of their lives, living as husband and husband or wife and wife in campus apartments. Straight couples, playing the pre-child nuclear family, are forced to move beyond law to off-campus locations. Now, that is what I call unsafe sex. Enough is enough. That's it, it's over. This banning mania has gotten out of hand. Hard-drinking frat brothers should be spared the indignity of munching Cheerios with their Bud Lites. I say legalize. Arne Thommessen is a senior Finance and Entrepreneurial Management major from Oslo, Norway. Believe Me Now, Hear Me Later appears alternate Fridays.