COLUMN: "Columnist Attacked by Bigfoot!"

From Paul LaMonica's "A Room With A View," Fall '92 Notice, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn Mark Twain · Whew! The election is over. Finally we can stop being so damn serious. We, the liberal, crazy, far-out, bozo, ozone media cultural elite have done our job well, placing good ol' Bubba Willie in the White House. "Annoy the Media! Re-elect President Bush!" was a Republican campaign slogan. How about that? I guess the American people just didn't want to annoy us. Enough about the presidential race already. You don't want to hear about it anymore. You want big news. Real life dramas. Human interest stories. Remember this past summer? Wasn't it great? Nobody cared about those conventions, circuses that they were. Nothing newsworthy happened at them. We already knew who the candidates would be and what they would say! You didn't want to read about any of that. Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. Amy Fisher and Joe Buttafuoco. They were in the headlines. Their sagas had all the basic elements of a great story, the four S's if you will. What? You thought that good journalists first learned about the four W's? What, when, where and why? They're obsolete. You don't want to read about them anymore. Sex! Smut! Sleaze! Scandal! The four S's! That's what you want. I've been in the supermarkets. I've seen the newsstands. All the other newspapers provide you with plenty of stories about the four S's. Everyone knows that sex, smut, sleaze and scandal sells. People pay to read these stories. You read The Daily Pennsylvanian for free! Therefore, it should be our sacred duty and obligation to give you all the stories you want to read about so you don't have to spend Mommy and Daddy's hard earned money on the National Enquirer or the USA Today. Here's some stories I'm working on, now that I don't have to do "serious" writing anymore. No more "topical, but refreshingly philosophical" columns here. Six Ivy League university presidents are, in fact, space aliens! Yes, it's true. I have a few finishing touches to do on this column so you'll have to wait two weeks before you can read it. Isn't the suspense killing you? I'll let you know if Sheldon Hackney is really from Pluto. I'll also give you some important information and tips to help you figure out if your roommate is an extraterrestrial. Why don't they just give me the Pulitzer right now? But wait?there's more! I also have ideas about doing a feature on those luscious Long Island Lolitas whose lust for their male professors here at Penn in fact would lead them to do anything! Yes, they'd even kill their professor's spouse's best friend's neighbor's step-step-step-uncle's favorite Labrador retriever just to prove their undying love and devotion. And you thought it was just an isolated case! Pardon me for a second. Some news is coming in over the fax. Clinton has a major speech planned. He's going to announce some members of his Cabinet. Senator what's-his-face is going to be appointed Secretary of the Interior. I didn't even know that we had a Department of the Interior. Well, if I hadn't heard of it, then you must not care, right? Wait -- hold on. My editors are trying to tell me that readers are tired of gossip and sensationalism dominating the news. Some people even approved of the media's coverage of the election and hope to see similar levels of responsible reporting in the future. Where did they find these people? It can't be true! You don't want to read about the atrocities going on in Bosnia! You don't care about the important issues facing our nation as we move towards the 21st Century! Madonna has a new book out! I hear Cher has had more plastic surgery done! Rumor has it that Magic Johnson is really gay! I thought the media was supposed to entertain, not inform. Please say it isn't so. Oh, well. You win. I guess I'll have to go back to dealing with boring issues like political correctness and family values. Sigh. But, I can't resist a good story! Before I end I have to tell you about the time I was walking down Spruce Street one night. I got to 40th Street and I saw Bigfoot walk out of Billybob's. Paralyzed with fear, I stood still as he rapidly grew closer and closer to me. He, it? Bigfoot clutched me in a bear hug and roared. The smell of fried onions was on his breath. Leaning over me, he whispered in my ear. He told me who was really involved in JFK's assassination. It was?  "A Room With A View" appears alternate Tuesdays. You'll just have to wait until then to find out. In the meantime, I highly recommend a great article about Elvis Presley's involvement in Watergate, the eruption of Mt. St. Helens, Iran-Contra, Hurricane Andrew and Iraqgate. It's on the front page of The Weekly World News. Or was it The Philadelphia Daily News? Maybe The New York Post? Paul LaMonica is a sophomore Psychology major from North Babylon, New York. "A Room With A View" appears alternate Tuesdays.