GUEST COLUMN: "These Boots Were Made For Walking . . . "

Some time during the summer, this campus became a very unsafe place to go to school. I do not know exactly who or what caused the change, but let's just say that the Escort Service -- the one that gained a reputation for fast drivers and slow service -- may become infamous for providing a service which could cost students their wallets, if not their lives. Three days ago I naively called the 898-RIDE phone number from my apartment at 41st and Spruce, with the hope and dream of being transported cross-campus to a friend's place in Hamilton Court. Then I was notified of the octopus of simplicity that is the new Transit Service. I was offered two options -- 1) being picked up by an Escort van, driven to the High Rises (an official "transit stop") where I would meet my walking escorts or 2) getting my lazy butt off the sofa and just walking there myself. My reply: "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Click." I then came across a Transit Service brochure which attempted to explain how, at 2 a.m., I was going to get my drunk body from Murph's to a friend's at 39th and Pine. According to the Penn Transit Service brochure, the A route shuttles hit the northern portion of campus (with transit stops at King's Court/Grad A, 3401 Walnut, DRL and Gimbel Gym) and the B route hits the southern portion (with transit stops at Johnson Pavilion, Penn Tower Hotel, Houston Hall, the Quad and High Rise South). Simultaneously -- and somewhat magically -- the C route vans hit all stops with the exception of Gimbel Gym. So sorry, swimmers. But wait . . . there's more. They also throw in a Shopping Shuttle Wednesday evenings to Pathmark in Grays Ferry. Hmmmm. It sounds pretty good -- unless, of course, you live several dimly-lit blocks away from Superblock in the 39th and Pine/Delancy area, or the Hamilton Court/Chestnut Hall area, or you write a story every so often at the DP. These areas of off-campus living and breathing have now been reclassified as campus (and, ironically, the University probably owns them as well). Basically, the persons who chose to live too close to the University's grasp are no longer entitiled to wait 15 to 40 minutes for an Escort van. They are now going to be provided walking escorts to either their on-campus destination or to a transit stop (see above for locales), where they will be met at some point by a shuttle van which will whisk them away to real off-campus destinations. "How many people is this really affecting?" you might ask. Well, its not just the unlucky souls who live too close to campus, but their visitors as well. And so, we learn that -- in order for me to get my drunk body from Murph's to 39th and Pine -- I would have to do the following. 1) Call 898-RIDE and tell them the white lie that I was at the corner of 44th and Spruce because Escort will not pick you up from a business establishment. 2) Walk immediately out to the corner and chat with Murph for 5 to 40 minutes while I awaited my chariot. 3)Spend approximately 10 minutes in a hot, jam-packed van which would drop me at High Rise South, where . . . 4) I would be met by my faithful pair of walking escorts, draped in their nifty red T-shirts, who . . . 5) . . . would walk me 'cross Spruce Street and through the dark and narrow path next to the Vet School onto Pine -- at which time, if I hadn't been mugged or killed, I would mubble out something about a "thank you" and the great times we've had together. · In the interest of being fair, I decided not to condemn what I haven't tried. So while I was writing this column on the DP's premises I called Escort to test out their system. I asked simply to be taken from the DP, on 40th and Walnut, to 3922 Pine. I sat at the foot of the DP awaiting my escorts -- the men and women in red who would safely maneuver me through the often scary and perilous streets of West Philly. Would they be armed with a gun or a billy club, I wondered? Would they be a threatening presence to the evil doers that roam in the night? And then my walking escorts appeared. Like all other walking escorts, they were a male-female duo. They were friendly and courteous and dressed in red T-shirts which screamed come and get me. They were also armed -- with a walkie-talkie which connected them to the campus police. I questioned them about their affiliation with the the Transit Services and I learned that the pay is good -- $5.80/hour! -- and the work pleasant. One, a transfer student, mentioned that the job was a good way to meet people. Frightened, I ran all the way back to 40th and Walnut and headed for the computer to scribe my diatribe. · Beyond ranting and raving, I hope this column causes other people to complain, bitch, demand explanations -- and more importantly, send your recommendations to Ron Ward, the assistant director of Transit and Parking and the grand poobah of Escort Service. His office address is 3401 Walnut Street, Suite 447A, and his phone number is 898-8667. He told me he is eagerly awaiting your response. David Boyer is a senior Communications and Psychology major from Spring Valley, New York.