COLUMN: "Women, Did You Get Stupid?"

From Andrew Sernovitz's "Mall Rats With Big Hair," Spring '92. Buff babes shakin' it in the sand. Wet T-shirt contests, chug-offs, volleyball and the inevitable naked vomit slide. Drunk college kids dancing around, actin' loopy, and boffing each other so fast the Trojans are melting. Spring Break? Nope. It's Derby Days time again at the University of Pennsylvania. For those of you who haven't been around (or whose parents were cousins), D-Days is Sigma Chi's annual charity fundraising/party week. The theory is that all the sorority girls will raise money for various charities through sponsors who pay them to compete in a variety of all-in-good-fun contests at Sigma Chi. Or something like that. Basically, Sigma Chi has figured out some way to get every nubile Ivy Babe around to run around wearing Sigma Chi T-shirts, raising money to be donated to charities in Sigma Chi's name, spend their evenings at Sigma Chi parties, getting tanked and getting it on with Sigma Chi kielbasa. It's Animal House II: The Philanthropy. Damn, these boys are good. The event is sort of like "Battle of the Network Stars" mated with Nickelodeon's "Double Dare." I would not at all be surprised to see sorority women fighting to see who can ride a tricycle through a vat of Hershey's syrup to win an all-expenses paid trip to a Sigma Chi bedroom. What always amazes me is that Penn women eagerly participate in this wonderfully degrading tradition. Somehow, hundreds of otherwise intelligent women turn into hard-core ditzes for a week. Do they understand that this entire event is just an ingenious way to turn philanthropy into a cotton-mouthed, vomit-filled orgy/Sigma Chi rush event? Women, did you get stupid? Or is it so much fun that you just don't care? As far as I can tell, women can only look at this event in one of three ways: a) "Oooh, this is such a wonderful charity event!" b) "Wow, this is gonna be a great party. Screw the fundraising," or . . . c) "Omigawd, Suz. This is our big chance! If we get really shitfaced and win the "Tittie Bowl" maybe Kevin -- you know, the hunky guy in the J. Crew socks over by the bar -- might just come over and pop my coochie!" People began to complain that Derby Days was a sexist event that only catered to sorority women. Sigma Chi was worried about the inevitable PR problems that arise at a university that allows someone as academically and mentally deficient as Peggy Sanday to remain a standing faculty member. So they made some changes. They invited all the women's sports teams to participate. I hear the Women's Center even won the Body Tattoo event. Damn, these boys are good. I don't blame Sigma Chi for running this event. I would do the same if I had thought of it first. I'll be the first to admit blatant jealously. I guess I'll spend the week with ATO brothers, hocking loogies out the window onto the volleyball court. You can't really fault these guys for developing a philanthropy event that is actually fun. Every Greek organization participates in various fundraising ventures as an excuse to legitimize their otherwise substance-infested lifestyles. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the process. The Community Service Living-Learning Project wouldn't be chock full of dorks if their members occasionally got a little nookie on the job. It's like the Castle got a vasectomy. Derby Days is definitely better than a lot of the alternative Greek fundraisers. What about the annual AEPi Jew Stew? You know, when they rent that hot tub and put it on College Green for a week. Throw in some carrots and couple o' matzo balls and you've got a delicious entree. Invite the Progressive Student Alliance, and they can have a nutritious granola appetizer. AEPi called Sheldon and asked if he'd like to participate in this year's tubbin' extravaganza. He said, "Sit in a stanky tub o' water with you guys? Screw that. The Bisexual-Gay-Lesbian Involvement Programs (BIG LIPS) will be over by then." I think that I'll start my own fundraiser this year. It'll be called "Hooters for the Homeless." Here's how it will work: All the women will come to my house. And they'll bring me money. And they'll be naked. With beers. And pizza. They gotta bring pizza. No naked women will be allowed inside my house without pizza. But back to Derby Days. I probably screwed up many of the details about the event. I'm sure that the shindig is actually much more P.C. than I make it appear. I'm sure that they have made constructive changes to reduce some of the blatant sexism of the event. But I really don't give a shit, so don't be writing me any whiny letters. Andy Sernovitz is a senior Marketing and Political Science major from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mall Rats with Big Hair appears alternate Wednesdays.

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