COLUMN: "Ancient Chinese Secret"

From Andrew Sernovitz's "Mall Rats With Big Hair," Spring '92. Admit it - you were reading the page with a magnifying glass, trying to decide if "I Luv U 4 ever, Pookieschnoz" was meant for you. Sucker. Well, screw you. I'm just a bit tired of the way things are being run around here. Big surprise. Y'all need a Pennema. Here's what I'm going to change at Penn: There will be no more "Gay Jeans Day." What the hell are they thinking? Like I don't wear jeans every day, regardless of my immediate sexual cravings. We should have some other equally pointless demonstrations. How 'bout "Walk On Your Feet If You Have A Brain Day." Or "If You Have Two Eyebrows You're A Democrat Day." Possibly even "Pull Out Your Own Tongue If You Thought of 'Gay Jeans Day' Day." The Penn library has 14 books listed under Orgasm. Only two of them deal with female orgasms (One, aptly titled, is called Clitoris). Maybe this explains why Penn men can't get dates. Schwinng. There will be more people running around naked. The Quad Streak is the best thing to happen around here in years. I wanted to run, but I don't think I'd make it up the stairs. Just what I need, to be stuck air drying my schlong in Baby Quad. Someone might trip over it. School would be a lot more fun if everyone ran around butt nekkid. Recitations would be much less tense if your TA showed up with a hard-on every so often. And those swivelly chairs in Steiny-D would be a lot more fun. I'd open more bars up and down Locust Walk. The Palladium obviously caters to a unique crowd. "Ooo, Tad, honey? Can you get me one of those expensive four dollar imports? I'm just craving a Rolling Rock." We should have a few separate-but-equal bars in the center of campus. The "Integrate-ium" for Pennginerds. The "Yea, man, I laid-ium" for the meatheads down the block. And a bar called "Living Fucking Hell." All of your ex-girlfriends would be there. The Roseanne look-alike you were dirty dancing with at DeKE. Your girlfriend's 16-year old sister who date raped you and then called Street Society and told them you were really a transvestite with crabs. And Mom. I would not allow any Japanese government officials on campus. They say Americans only work from beer to beer? That our workers have no interest in a lifetime of drudgery doing spaz calisthenics for a single company? We just haven't figured out how to use this desire to increase productivity. Think how many cars would get made if a cold brau came down the line every so often. American managers are obviously not good enough. But that's no surprise . . . THE WHARTON SCHOOL OF BUSINESS LOST THREE-QUARTERS OF A MILLION DOLLARS THIS YEAR!!!!! AAARGH!!!!!! Good thing I didn't go to class. I would change the name of the Oriental Studies department. This entirely irrelevant issue has wasted far too much of our time. I would change it to "Department John Doe." Or "Calgon." You know, the Ancient Chinese Secret. Here's some really malicious gossip. A member of Delta Sigma Pi (the Wharton Co-ed Business Fraternity, of course) is dating a freshman Undergraduate Assembly Rep. Tune in to Fox 29 tonight when the happy couple sails the stormy seas of the Hyper-Involved Extra-Curricular Leadership Types, doing battle against inefficient administration everywhere, at home or in class. Sorta scary, 'eh? What if they reproduce? Someone needs to call Guv Casey and tell him to let go of our balls. Pennsylvania needs Penn. What would happen if we let the Nittany Lions run the state? What the hell is a Nittany Lion? Despite the cut in state funding, I would do everything I can to save the Veterinary Hospital. So many of my ex-girlfriends rely on that place for therapy. If we will lose the Vet School, what are we going to do when Muffy gets hit by Escort Service? Let's mail our dead pets to Harrisburg. Let Casey try to help them. But mail 'em real slow, so they smell good. Twelve-day air, via Istanbul Express (not Constantinople). I'd turn UTV into a pay-per-view cable station. With lots of tit movies. That would give AEPi something to do on weekends. I would expand Penn to include the first Ivy League School of Typing and Stenography. Fix that guy/girl ratio real quick! I would do something about the Locust Walk Commandos. You can't walk across campus without getting hit up by squads of sorority girls wanting blood donors to send Candy-Grams to help finance Saturday's performance of the Penn Salami-Suckers Orchestra. I don't feel comfortable when pretty girls bat their eyes and ask me for money to cure gross diseases. There's always that subconcious fear that if you don't give 'em a dime, you'll never date again. That would explain a lot, actually. Leave me alone. Or stand outside WaWa where you're supposed to ask for money. Maybe we can get rid of them by pitting the various fund-raising groups against each other. "Today on American Gladiators: SDT takes on Mask and Wig." Maybe we need some more creative types of fund raisers. How 'bout a real bake sale? For Pi Lam. Or an Orgasm-o-Gram. For the Nursing School. Or Dork-o-Grams. For anyone who's got enough free time to write a letter to the DP. "Quata? Haaaveaniceday." Andy Sernovitz is a senior Marketing and Political Science major from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mall Rats with Big Hair appears alternate Wednesdays.