COLUMN: "Advice for the Lovelorn"

From Jennifer Kornreich's "The Devil Made Me Do It," Spring '92 Well, whether or not you harbor a warm, fuzzy feeling for Valentine's Day, you've gotta admit one thing: it sure has been crossing your mind. Incessantly. And the pressure to find someone on whom to focus your attentions is skyrocketing along with sales at Hallmark. Instead of pointlessly analyzing what makes this holiday so formidable, I'm just going to pointlessly toss some suggestions your way that may help you survive it. Cards & Gifts. The question of the week is indisputably the panic-stricken "What the hell should I get?" Hmmm. That all depends upon your status with the object of your affections. This must be established firmly and clearly in your mind, because it's especially easy to buy something completely inappropriate on V-Day. Unfortunately, the card selection leaves something to be desired. Most cards are either totally insipid -- that is, of the kind that features a bunny rabbit wheedling "Be mine"; or else they're a bit more familiar than perhaps you'd like to appear -- i.e., the type that basically screams, "Aching to get it on with you on this special night." Tough choice. Now, unless your valentine happens to be a eunuch or a nun -- in which case the first type of card would be suitable -- or unless you're actually sleeping with someone (buy the second, you lucky devil), you'll look for a middle-of-the-road card. This attempt is futile. Make up your mind either to resign yourself to the eunuch/sexpot dichotomy, or to get a boring card that just says "Happy Valentine's Day" and avoid the issue altogether. Gifts are a more intricate decision. Again, it depends upon your relationship. If it's a casual friend, just get those stupid pastel sugar hearts bearing banal messages. If it's someone you're sort of interested in, but you have a nebulous arrangement, do dinner or flowers or something else equally thoughtful-yet-noncommittal. Of course, if you have something more serious -- hell, resolve to be broke for a month and go out on a limb. But always keep in mind what you're communicating! The best V-Day I ever had included a date to see Tony-n-Tina's Wedding, because the implicit message to me was, "I care enough about you to plan something fun and unusual." Conversely, a close friend is planning to give her long-term boyfriend detergent "as a joke" because he never cleans his sheets. This is totally understandable, but it might be a mistake to give this as a Valentine's present. What's the passionate message here? "I enjoy sleeping with you, but I can't stand lying on a month's buildup of body hair, sweat, and other secretions. Do your laundry, I beg of you!" Certain gifts must be shunned. Like those Little Orphan Annie-esque heart pendants that break in half for each partner to keep -- those are nauseating. And those little troll-like figurines with outstretched arms wearing shirts that say,"I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH." Please! Who buys these things?!? Even the cross-cuts at Abner's aren't that cheesy. Valentine's Day is also a popular occasion for first dates. These have serious calamity potential. Take the following to heart: Topics of Conversation. Discretion is key here, folks. Men, don't break the ice by telling us how funny it is that you always seemed to rip the condoms with your last girlfriend. Your companion will probably be more inclined at a future time to experience you firsthand if you don't spend the entire first meeting insinuating how big you are. Generally, it wouldn't even occur to me to insult you guys out there with such a bizarre, sexist accusation . . . except that this has, pathetically enough, actually happened to me with one of my Moronic First Dates (not to be confused with the even more upsetting Psychotic First Date). And women: we are not exempt from similar admonitions. A poor guy I know was politely eating his ratatouille at the White Dog when his date launched into a description of how her diaphragm once got stuck. Classy, huh? A good rule of thumb is not to delve into tales of birth-control foibles at this stage of the game. Trust me. (Corollary for all you semi-married lovers out there: You still need to watch yer tongue. Choosing this occasion to tell your significant others that their love-handles are getting too unlovable for you to handle is probably not wise.) V-Day Random and Meaningless Hook-Ups. Ah, a college favorite. A note on next-day etiquette: I don't care who calls whom -- but c'mon, one of you, be gutsy and call the other. Even if you're no longer interested. As a nicety, if you will. Don't worry about looking like you're making a big deal and starting a relationship. The other person very likely used you just for fun as well. What to Do If You Get No Valentines. Binge till you feel better. Why do you think so much chocolate is sold this time of year? My, you are naive, aren't you?! What to Do If You Get Too Many Valentines. This won't happen. So, you can see that getting through the festivities just takes a little bit of preparation and attitude. Meanwhile, there are only 72 more hours till V-Day. No pressure, of course. Just an observation. (Go get 'em.) Jennifer Kornreich is a junior English major from Roslyn, New York. "The Devil Made Me Do It" appears alternate Tuesdays.